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  “Well, thank you for a lovely evening..” I began, waiting for his reaction.

  “My pleasure,” he replied, almost hesitantly, we stood face-to-face, for a moment, then I opened the door

  “I don’t suppose I could offer you a coffee, after all, it’s getting a little chilly and a warm drink might help you on your way,” I suggested, gesturing inside, he grinned,

  “I don’t drink coffee,” he replied simply, “But do you have any other suggestions ?”

  I stroked his face, put my hand behind his neck and pulled him gently towards me, when I felt no resistance, I kissed him lightly, his arms wrapped around my waist as he slid his tongue into my mouth, forcing mine to respond. I slipped my arms around his broad shoulders and eased him closer to me, wanting him to feel as much of my now-eager body as possible. His hand slid inside my jacket and squeezed my breast firmly, when he felt the erect nipple, he pushed up my blouse, as I pulled him inside the house, I leant back on the wall as he hungrily sucked and licked my warm breasts, pausing only to almost rip off his top, before kissing me deeply again. He pulled back,

  “Are you sure you want this ?” he asked quietly, his breathing laboured. I reached for his trouser belt, without looking away from his face, I unclipped the belt, unzipped his fly and plunged my hand into his boxers, almost immediately finding him hard and ready.

  “That’s what I want,” I answered, then I forced him to turn round, so his back was to the wall, I sunk to my knees and held him with both hands, almost as soon as my eager tongue licked the tip, I heard Adam moan slightly, with one move, I had eased the foreskin back and taken him into my mouth.

  “Oh God,” he whispered, I smiled, and caressed him while sucking harder, he suddenly pulled me up, lifted my skirt and ripped off my soaked panties.

  “You really want it, don’t you ?” his voice low but strong, thin lines of sweat trickled down his face, his eyes flashed with determination, but despite everything, there was still some concern for me. I clasped my hands round his neck,

  “Hell yeah ,” I replied, he lifted me up until he could push inside me, I wrapped my legs round his waist so I could feel all of him. He pumped slowly at first, then he pressed his mouth to my ear,

  “I like these so much,” he whispered, then looked at me expectantly, while squeezing my breasts,

  “They’re all yours” I replied.

  “They’re so lovely,” he gasped looking at them admiringly, “You wanted me in your mouth....”

  “Tasted so good, but right now...”

  “Right now, you want me, right now, don’t you ?” he gasped, pushing harder and harder, I clenched my legs tighter round him,

  “Please ,Adam, make me come .”

  Shoving me hard against the wall, he rammed into me over and over again, I wanted him to push further, grip tighter, to use every last ounce of energy on me. Every part of my body seemed to be screaming out,

  “Make me feel it ! Make me let go !”

  But, despite our bodies frantically writhing in sweat-filled pleasure, inside, I felt nothing but the familiar cold emptiness, even less when he finally slammed into me,

  “There, there it is.....” he groaned, then it was over, his head almost dropped on to my shoulder, he was breathing heavily and I felt him slip out of my body. I unclamped my legs from around his waist, and we stood, me against the wall and him slumped on me. After a couple of moments, I could hear him exhale deeply, then step back slightly, we were both drenched in each others’ sweat. As I watched, he got slowly dressed, pushed his hand through his damp hair, before looking at me again,

  “That was so good,” he said quietly, “But I should go...it’s really late,” he nodded towards the door. I hastily buttoned my blouse,

  “Of course..” I answered, suddenly feeling very exposed and wanting him to leave as quickly as possible. He kissed my cheek, then opened the door,

  “Thanks again,” he added, almost embarrassed, before he strode away up the darkened street. I closed the door, picked up my underwear and walked into my bedroom, without switching on any of the lights, as there was the risk I might catch a glimpse of my reflection and I had no desire to see myself. Once in my bathrobe, I went round the house, closing all the curtains, as if doing that, would shut the world out, I slipped into bed, took some sedatives and waited for a sleep, that several hours later was obviously never going to come.

  I wandered into the living-room, wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and tried to make sense of what I had done, the fact I was alone was nothing new, but what really hurt, was I had genuinely believed I had turned a corner, in some way, I had left all the negativity behind me. It would have been easy to blame Kat for leaving, going to watch Vanessa's film, even my daughter for growing up and needing me less, but the truth was far simpler and more stark, I was alone and needed to come to terms with the reality of my life now. As I sat there, it occurred to me how fortunate I had been, I had invited a total stranger back to the house and had consensual sex with him. If Adam had been violent, I would only have had myself to blame, ,this was yet another part of my life I would have to change, otherwise, next time, I might not be so lucky.

  Early the next morning, I text Kat and asked her to meet me for lunch, however selfish it was, I had to talk to her, she was the only person who might be able to help, there must have been a sense of urgency, as almost as soon as I had sent the text, she replied and we arranged to meet later in the day. I phoned work and made some excuse about not feeling well, it was no lie, also the prospect of another day there, filled me with dread and I had to get my head straight first.

  I spent the morning trying to repair the damage from a sleepless night, as I knew Kat missed nothing, I decided to try and appear vaguely on top of everything when we first met, so I made sure I looked as good as possible, then arrived at the restaurant early, to assume some appearance of calm before she made her entrance. However, as soon as I saw her, the facade quickly crumbled and I had told her the whole sorry story about Adam. She sat patiently, as I bemoaned my fate about work, about being convinced I was destined to die alone and just how awful my life was generally, the only part I left out, was, as always, any mention of Vanessa. Once I had finished, she put her fork down carefully and then looked at me,

  “What a mess, honey, I’ve only been gone a little while and the whole thing falls apart !

  “I don’t know what to do anymore,” I replied simply.

  “Well, for a start, no more bringing men back, what the hell is wrong with you ? He could have been any kind of weirdo !” she said, almost angrily. She then launched into a terrifying list of possible scenarios as to how the evening could have played out, all of which ended with me being murdered at best, I nodded in agreement, as she was saying nothing I did not already know, so I quickly pointed this out, then added what I needed to hear was something new. Kat took hold of my hands across the table,

  “First, you’ve got to stop being a victim, honey..” I was about to protest,

  “No, Carrie ,” she quickly interrupted, “I know what happened in the past, you were treated really badly, but it’s the past, when you came back from London, you told me you’d buried that time, but you haven’t really, have you ?”

  “What do you mean ?” I asked, feeling like I was in a boxing ring and getting beaten, Kat sighed, her large eyes almost tearful,

  “Carrie, sweetheart, people only treat you as badly as you let them....this guy, Adam, might have really liked you, you could have said goodnight at the door, swapped numbers, gone on dates...maybe something would have come of it, maybe not, but you’ll never know now, will you ?” she sighed again, wiping a rogue tear from her cheek with the corner of her napkin.

  I wanted to argue, talk about how I only gave people what they wanted, but my arguments were all hollow and meaningless.

  “Remember us talking about you feeling empty inside ?” she asked, I nodded,

  “Well, honey, that is never going to get filled, by
having sex with random guys, you know that and so do I, since being with Matt, there’s so much more to it, and I want that for you..more than you could possibly imagine,” she finished, her simple, heartfelt concern genuinely touched me. Sensing our conversation was becoming a bit too emotional, she suddenly grabbed the menu,

  “OK cheapskate, what are you buying me for dessert ?” she asked brightly, I laughed,

  “Whatever you want,” I replied.

  Only moments later, we were both faced with epic portions of chocolate cake, I gingerly picked up my fork, and started slowly, Kat watched and opted to follow my example. As we savoured every rich mouthful, I could tell she had more to say, after one particularly large forkful, she glanced up at me,

  “By the way, talking about London, you never did tell me about that person you met...”

  “What person ?” I asked, quickly filling my mouth with cake, to allow me to stall for time.

  “Don’t play the innocent, you told me about that guy and the trainer on the table, and obviously, Matt, but there was someone else.....” she allowed her voice to trail off, but looked at me steadily, I knew that look too well, there would be no avoiding the question, I just had to be careful with the answer,

  “OK, there was someone...but it’s complicated..” I began hesitantly.

  “Married ?” Kat asked bluntly.

  “No, just we live in two very different worlds and..well..as I said complicated,” I answered, as honestly as I could.

  “OK, so we rule them out, but however amazing they made you feel, don’t you think it’s worth holding out, until you meet someone else who does that for you ?” she asked, taking another forkful of cake. I answered, I was not sure anyone else could, but I accepted her point, Kat smiled and we both turned our attention back to finishing the platefuls before us.

  Once lunch was finished, we sat just chatting over coffee, waiting for the cake to be slightly digested, so it would be possible for us to move again freely. We exchanged scandalous gossip about our respective workmates, laughing until our sides literally ached, although the cake may well have contributed to the pain. When we left the restaurant, I felt so much better and told her so, she beamed and ,before she left, extracted a promise I would take no more chances and wait for the right person,

  “’Cos if anything happened to you, I am telling you, I would never forgive you !” she said with mock seriousness.I laughed, thanked her again and then we hugged, after arranging to meet again soon, I watched her drive away, while I resolved I would not leave it so long next time. As I walked home, I came to my first decision, I had to find another job, I hated the one I was in, I needed a change, too many personally destructive things had happened there, ages ago I had resolved it was time to move on, and that place needed to be in the past.

  Chapter 15

  Throughout the following month, I spent every spare moment, poring over Lainie’s iPad, looking for a new job, which although was largely fruitless, but just the fact I was actively doing something, made me feel so much better. I consciously made the decision to avoid having lunch in the canteen for a while, much as this meant not seeing Daniel so often, I was tired of Phil and his friends, I had heard every comment they had to make so often, it was like they were stuck in some kind of loop and I had no wish to join them any more.

  At home, I poured away all the alcohol, flushed away the sedatives and filled the cupboards with healthy food, Lainie looked on with a mixture of confusion and pride. Almost immediately, I started to feel the benefit of my change of lifestyle and it did not go unnoticed by others, but when I was asked out, I politely declined, in observance of my promise to Kat.

  My time at work became more productive, so much so, my boss called me in and informed me about possible promotions in the near future. I thanked him, but made no commitment, as I was still sure, I wanted to leave as soon as another job opportunity arose.

  Late one afternoon, I was called to the warehouse, a delivery had arrived and needed my attention. While I worked on the paperwork, my attention was caught by a fleeting figure disappearing through the small door tucked away at the back. After checking the warehouse manager was occupied, I tentatively approached the door, it was not quite closed, as I got closer, I became increasingly sure I could hear muffled voices. I glanced back to make sure the warehouse was still deserted, when I was sure, I eased the door open slightly, almost immediately, I recognised Phil’s voice,

  “Come on, get them out, I haven’t got long.”

  I heard a female voice reply, she wanted him to promise no-one would ever find out, he impatiently repeated his demand to see her chest, but by the tone of her voice, it was clear she was reluctant. I was unsure what to do until I heard that aggressive tone he had used on me so often, I banged the door, then half-ran to a safe distance away and waited. Moments later, Phil emerged, clearly irritated as he kicked a rubbish bin over as he left the warehouse. When he was safely out of the way, I walked slowly towards the door, I knew only too well, what she was doing, I had been there, terrified of being discovered but equally scared of coming out. I stood by the door, after one last check no-one was around, I opened it slowly, not wanting to accidentally hit her if she was hiding, there was an audible gasp from inside,

  “It’s OK, it’s only me, Carrie Sullivan ,” I called, as gently as possible, “Come out, there’s no-one here.”

  I waited, then, as I looked up the stairs, I saw one of the younger members of the staff looking petrified down at me,

  “Come on, before anyone comes,” I urged her, she hesitated for a moment, before skipping quickly down the steps and out the door, which I immediately closed firmly to discourage any suspicion. The girl was pale, she kept wringing her hands and was almost shaking with fear,

  “What’s going to happen ? Will I get the sack ?” she stammered, I shook my head and assured her I would never tell anyone which seemed to ease her mind.

  “How did you know we were there ?” she asked curiously, as we left the warehouse.

  “Let’s just say you’re not the first to go up there with Phil,” I replied, “What were you doing with him anyway ?”

  She blushed as she explained how he had flirted with her, made her feel special and when he had said he just had to have some ‘private time’ with her, she had felt really flattered. I sighed,

  “You’re so young , you should have someone who really appreciates you and that is not Phil Weeks,” I assured her, she smiled and promised to keep her distance from him in the future, with her safe, I went to find Phil, enough was enough.

  I heard his raucous laugh coming from the male cloakroom, so I burst through the door, fortunately there was only two of them in there, after asking his friend to leave, I turned to Phil, he grinned,

  “If you wanted to be alone with me, you should have said.”

  But his smile quickly faded as I pushed him against the lockers,

  “ Messing with me was one thing, but a young girl like that, what’s wrong with you ?” I barked angrily.

  “Why ? You jealous ?” he stuttered.

  “No, not jealous, just chatty...if you ever, so much as breathe on her, or any of the younger ones again, I will start talking and it’s very possible, I might not be able to stop,” I explained firmly.

  “But if you did that, everyone would know about you and me,” he said, his voice betraying his nervousness.

  “I don’t care anymore, Phil, about you or this place, but I do care when some pervert like you puts his grubby hands on some kid young enough to be your daughter !” I yelled back, slamming the lockers with my hand, knowing all the rage I had felt about him was in danger of spilling out, and although I was not a violent person, I knew I had to get out of there. Suddenly the door swung open and Daniel walked in he looked at the pair of us for a moment, then asked me if I was alright, when I nodded, he opened the door again and ushered me out. Once in the corridor, he asked again,

  “I’m fine, really, we just had a bit of a disag
reement,” I explained weakly, knowing he was not going to really believe me, but hoping he would not ask anything else. Just then Phil emerged, his face was flushed and all of his usual attitude seemed to have evaporated away somewhere. He glanced at me , mumbled a greeting to Daniel and slouched down the corridor, his hands plunged firmly into his pockets.

  “I get that you don’t want to talk, but promise me, he didn’t hurt you ?” Daniel asked, obviously still very concerned.

  “I’m fine,” I began, then seeing he needed something else, I squeezed his arm and repeated my reassurance, which he accepted, although a little dubiously and we went our separate ways,when I got home that evening, I hugged Lainie, almost as soon as I laid eyes on her,

  “What was that for ?” she asked, struggling to breathe as I squeezed her,

  “I just love you so much,” I answered, reluctantly releasing my hold, she looked at me quizzically,

  “Is everything alright, Mum ?”

  I nodded,

  “Just promise me you’ll be incredibly picky about boyfriends, OK ? You deserve only the best.”

  She laughed,

  “Looks like I’m waiting for Chace Crawford after all !”

  I hugged her again and started cooking dinner, thankful, it was abundantly clear, she was unlikely to make the same mistakes I had. Once we had eaten, we settled down on the sofa and watched a DVD together, these evenings were becoming increasingly rare and I cherished them, the film was a romantic comedy which we had seen numerous times before but was Lainie’s favourite. After the movie, as I cleared up, Lainie perched on the kitchen surface to watch,