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  “Penny for them,” Matt said, from behind me.

  “Nowhere near enough,” I answered quietly. He took my hand and led me through the kitchen and out into the back garden, where there were fewer people and the music was a bit more muted. We sat-by-side on the low garden wall, I wasn’t sure what he had to say, and he seemed deep in thought, so I waited, just breathing in the cool night air. After several minutes, he started to speak about how much he loved Kat, how he would look after her and ended with how he hoped I would be a regular visitor at their new home. When he had finished, he turned to face me,

  “So, can you ever forgive me for taking your best friend away to the furthest reaches of the country ?” he asked expectantly, I paused,

  “Normally, I would say no...” a quick look of mild horror crossed his face so I quickly added “..but ,as it’s you, I will make an exception.”

  He beamed, then hugged me tightly,

  “I’m going to miss you,” he said genuinely.

  “Me too.”

  After another quick hug, I shivered slightly, suddenly feeling the cold chill of the late hour, so we went back inside. The party was like so many others, every time I went upstairs, I had to clamber past a young woman telling anyone that passed that her boyfriend was a total bastard, outside several people were trying to throw up in the garden before clumsily trying to hide the evidence, and, as I squeezed into the living-room, there was a man passed out on the sofa who no-one seemed to know at all. I glanced around the room for a familiar face, Daniel was warily examining the label on a wine bottle, I edged through the bobbing crowd until I reached his side,

  “Hello, you, is it any good ?” I asked, pointing at the bottle.

  “I have no idea where this country even is,” he answered bemused, “Shall we risk it ?” I nodded enthusiastically, he found two plastic cups and poured the wine, after tapping glasses, we both took a large gulp, it tasted like a cough medicine I had once been forced to take. Daniel grimaced,

  “God that’s awful...can I tempt you to another ?” he asked.

  “Why not ? I think there’s still some lining inside my throat that the first one didn’t burn off...” I laughed. As he poured us both another, a young guy staggered up, then thrust his empty cup at Daniel, who shrugged and filled his as well. After draining the cup, the young man offered up his cup again, Daniel just gave him the bottle, and we watched him stagger away again.

  “You’re not dancing ?” I asked.

  “You haven’t asked me yet,” he grinned back, I took his hand and led him to the centre of the room, within a few songs, we were jumping along with everyone else while singing until we were both hoarse. Finally, he led me out of the room and through the front door, sweat was streaming down his face and he was breathing heavily,

  “Jesus, I’m getting too old for all of this,” he gasped.

  “Rubbish, I bet you can party on with the best of them,” I answered, resting against the garden wall, trying to catch my own breath, “Anyway, if you’re too old that means I am, and I refuse to accept that !”

  He laughed, wiped his forehead with the sleeve of his shirt, before he inhaled deeply,

  “OK then, let’s get back in there and show this lot how it’s done !”

  I followed him back inside, glad to be with such a good friend, it made the fact this party was to celebrate Kat and Matt leaving the area, a lot easier. After a couple of hours, I was genuinely quite sad when he announced he had to go, as he was on the early shift in the morning, I kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for being such a great dance partner,

  “You should see my paso doble !”

  “I think I caught a glimpse of it earlier !” he joked, we laughed and he left me to enjoy the rest of the party.

  At last, when every last crisp had been trodden into the carpet, the party guests started to leave, I watched Kat hug every last one, promising to keep in touch as they walked down the path. I wandered shoeless into her kitchen, found a roll of rubbish bags, and started to clear up the mess. I was just cleaning the kitchen, when I realised Kat and Matt were leaning on the doorway watching me,

  “See that’s why we invited her,” Kat said, looking up at him, from the safety of his strong arms, Matt kissed the top of her head,

  “I’ve had it...I’ll see you upstairs,” he said, paused only to say goodbye to me and disappeared, leaving Kat and I alone. Ignoring the fact the work surface was still damp, she jumped up on to it to sit down, both of us knew this was the bit we had both dreaded, but like almost everything difficult, it can’t be put off forever. After I carefully folded the tea towel, I looked at her, she looked a bit more dishevelled than she had done earlier, but, impossibly, she looked even happier.

  “Right then, now I’ve done your cleaning, it’s time I left,” I began, “before you get the Hoover out.”

  “You mean you’re not going to do that as well ?” she asked, pretending to be outraged.

  “No, you just don’t pay enough,” I snapped ,then pointed down at my bare feet, “Look at me, I don’t even have shoes !”

  Kat chuckled, we talked about the party, she commented about my being with Daniel, but I quickly assured her, we were just friends, having a good time, nothing more. We talked for a few more minutes about what people were wearing and who left with who, but we both knew were just putting off the inevitable.

  Gossip finally exhausted, she slipped down from the ledge, we stood facing each other, now neither of us wanted to be the first one to speak, but knowing one of us had to break the awkward silence, I began,

  “I am going to miss you so much,” I heard my voice catch, I swallowed hard, trying to stem the tears that were threatening to fall.

  “We’ll still see each other,” she replied half-heartedly, two large tears rolling freely down her cheek.

  “’Course we will,” I nodded, swallowing again, “Right, time to go, before we start getting all mushy....”

  “Oh crap, wouldn’t that would be so embarrassing, the two of us blubbering away in the kitchen...what a pair of losers !” she laughed, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand. We walked to the front door, hugged quickly, Kat promised to call when they were at their new place and I started to walk down the path, but then stopped at the gate and turned,

  “You know I love you, don’t you ?” I called back, I waited for an expected swift joke in response, but instead she just nodded, I waved and opened the gate, I heard the door close behind me. As I walked up the now-silent road, I let the pent up tears fall, quietly proud of myself I had managed to hold them back while I had been in the house. As I turned the corner, my phone beeped, it was a text message,

  ‘Love you too, Kat xxx’

  I was about to answer, when another came through,

  ‘Don’t have to answer, know you’re probably crying hahaxxxx’

  I laughed, put my phone back in my bag and walked home, as the sun was just starting to appear through the trees.

  Chapter 14

  Having waved goodbye to Matt and Kat , several weeks on, I was once again faced with the fact, everyone seemed to be moving on with their lives except me. I was still trudging off to a job I hated, with no obvious escape route appearing on the horizon, every day Lainie came home, she seemed to have met someone or had signed up for some new experience and, pleased as I was, I found it increasingly difficult not to feel frustration at the fact, my own life seemed to be going nowhere. After a particularly dull morning, I ambled into the canteen for lunch, the usual crowd of men were slumped around the central table, laughing loudly, as usual Phil was the ring-leader, his voice seemed to echo around the room, even though it was no bigger than the average living-room, when he saw me, he yelled over,

  “Why don’t you come over here ? We’ll make you feel right at home now your mate’s gone, won’t we lads ?”

  They all shouted their agreement,

  “Yeah come on then, I’ve got just the space for you..” he continued, winking broadly
at his friends, “Right between my legs...so get your mouth open !”

  They all roared with laughter as they waited for my reaction, I paused,

  “Well, that’s very kind of you, Phil, but I’ve only got an hour for lunch, that’s not really enough time to find anything so small,” I replied, glaring back at him, his friends all cheered,

  “She must have seen you in the showers, mate !” one added loudly. Phil glowered angrily at me, then looked at the baying mob surrounding him,

  “Not her fault, she’s probably not seen one in years, wouldn’t surprise me if her pussy’s frozen over, poor cow,” he laughed, but the others shifted uncomfortably.

  “No need for that, Phil,” one said quietly, before opening a newspaper and starting to read. Phil looked around at the group, but they were now all poring over the open newspaper or pretending to text message,

  “Bunch of wankers !” he snapped angrily, he kicked the chair and stormed out of the canteen. I sat down in the far corner table, where thankfully, someone had left a magazine, so I started to read, as I flicked through the pages of celebrity gossip, my attention was suddenly caught by a picture of Vanessa. As I read the article, it seemed there was growing speculation she was romantically involved with a guy she had worked with on her last film, although she had said nothing publicly. I looked again at the photograph, she looked relaxed and happy and I was genuinely pleased she may have found someone to share her life. Daniel peered over my shoulder,

  “It’s not like you to read this stuff ?” he commented, I suddenly became aware I had been staring at the picture for several minutes,

  “No...it’s Lainie, she loves all the celebrity gossip, so I try and keep up from time to time,” I explained hurriedly. Daniel smiled, joking there was a compromising picture of him in there somewhere which he hoped I had not seen, I flipped through the pages, pretending to look, then landed on a full page picture of a young heartthrob, dressed in nothing but his boxers,

  “This is you, isn’t it ?” I asked innocently.

  Daniel laughed, and made me promise I would not draw any attention to the picture, as he was trying to maintain a low profile. I glanced up at the clock, it was time to get back to work, so I sadly left the canteen and one of the few people that made the day bearable. The afternoon dragged, the weekly trip to the supermarket after work, did little to raise my spirits. In an effort to cheer up, I resolved to cook a special meal for Lainie and I, the trolley was almost full when I received a text from her,it said she would be staying over at a friends tonight and she would see me tomorrow. I sighed heavily then walked out, abandoning the stuffed trolley in an aisle, and with it, any last vestige of positivity. I wandered in the vague direction of home, not in a great hurry to spend another evening alone with the television.

  As I passed the cinema, I noticed Vanessa's film was being shown, without thinking, I bought a ticket and settled down in the darkened room, as I was early for the screening, it was half-empty, a young couple were obviously making out at the back, two elderly ladies were sitting at the front, chatting quietly, while carefully unpacking what looked like a picnic. Steadily more and more people filed in, balancing huge cups of Coke and boxes of popcorn as they took their seats, there was a muted rumble of conversations about where to sit, which movie they were seeing and how tall the person was, who was sitting in front of them. The two ladies were completely oblivious to all the action happening around them, and continued to unwrap numerous sandwiches and pour steaming tea from a thermos into two steel cups.

  After another half hour, the ladies had just packed away the last of their food, when the lights dimmed still further, a hush descended over the room, punctuated only by people frantically scrabbling to switch off their mobile phones when the onscreen message appeared.

  At first, as the opening titles started to appear, I felt no specific emotion, but when her name flashed on to the screen, I felt a wave of excited anticipation which I could not logically explain, when she first appeared, I could barely breathe, to see her face, apparently so close, was almost overwhelming, it was all I could do, to just stay silent. I glanced round the cinema, everyone was now transfixed by the action, occasionally a hand would drift down in an attempt to find the popcorn, but that was all. As the film wore on, I found it increasingly difficult to believe, we had ever really met, there she was, and I was here, in this dark, provincial cinema, at least, a thousand miles apart, but the real distance between us was so much further than I had ever been willing to acknowledge before.

  When the film was over, I headed for the exit, outside the evening sun was still shining, forcing me to pause momentarily, having just come out of the darkness,

  “What did you think ?” a voice said next to me, I turned sharply, there was a tall man standing by my side, he had dark, curly hair which seemed to catch the light from the sun, making it seem to glow slightly, he had a strong, manly face but, there was something about his chocolate brown eyes that made him look young,

  “Are you alright ?” he asked, for a moment, I wasn’t sure why he had asked, but quickly realised I had been so preoccupied with his looks, I had failed to answer,

  “I’m fine...” I stuttered, “The film ? Oh yes, it was good, I thought, what about you ?” thankful I had managed to regain some semblance of normality.

  “It was OK, although the ending was a bit convenient,” he answered, smiling broadly, I laughed,

  “I’m Adam,” he extended his hand, “ and you are ?”

  “Carrie ,” I replied, shaking his hand,

  “Do you have any plans now ?” he asked hopefully, I looked at him again, I could almost hear Kat warning me about going anywhere with a stranger, but Kat wasn’t here anymore,

  “Not really, how about you ?” I asked, knowingly flirting but not caring anymore. We quickly decided to go for a drink, Adam chose a pub by the river which was in easy walking distance, I readily agreed. On the way, I tried to reason with myself, I had been sensible by not getting into a car so I had not been completely reckless, anyway, everyone else seemed to be off having a good time, so it was only fair I had some fun.

  When we reached the pub, I volunteered to find us a table outside while he bought the drinks, I knew from experience, this was not sensible, after all, there had been many times in the past, where I had ordered an orange juice and tasted the distinct flavour of vodka in the drink I had been given. But as I sat down, at a table shaded by a large tree, I convinced myself, as I knew all the tricks, I was hardly going to be taken by surprise by anything Adam tried and, it could be, he was just a nice guy looking for a bit of company. I watched him emerge from the back doors, he carefully carried our drinks across the grass and settled down on the opposite chair. I sipped my drink and was mildly surprised to taste only the white wine I had ordered, perhaps he was the ‘nice guy’ after all, so I relaxed and listened intently as he chatted away about his life and his dream of abandoning everything and taking off on a trip round the world.

  As he talked, I looked more carefully at him, he had a nice face, nothing amazing, but pleasant and friendly, I glanced at his hand, but there was no obvious mark where a wedding ring had been, but there was an expensive-looking watch wrapped round his strong wrist. He was casually dressed, but smart and clean, although his deck shoes looked slightly worn, they were far from being battered. I rested back on my chair, all in all, he ticked most of the boxes, so I concluded, I was quite safe and relaxed.

  When he noticed my glass was empty, he insisted on buying another,

  “Are you trying to get me drunk ?” I asked, he smiled, then shook his head,

  “No, it’s a school night...”

  He laughed when he saw my confused expression,

  “I’m a teacher,” he assured me, “..not a pupil.”

  He turned away and headed purposefully for the door of the pub, I looked across the river, the lights along the towpath were switching on, one by one, the sun had almost set and I could hear music from somewhe
re on the other bank, if ever there was a textbook romantic setting, this was definitely a contender.

  “Lovely, isn’t it ?” he commented as he put our drinks down and resumed his place,

  “I’ve always loved it here,” I replied, “Anyway, which subject do you teach ?” I asked. He told me he was a form tutor, then went on to relate a few stories about his more wayward students,

  “I’m sure you were nothing like that, when you were at school” he smiled.

  “Of course not, I was the little quiet one at the back,” I joked, he then glanced down at his watch,

  “I’m sorry, I will have to go soon,” his voice tinged with a hint of sadness.

  “I expect your wife is expecting you,” I remarked, trying to sound as casual as possible, expecting to see some telltale signal I had hit a nerve, however, Adam just rested back on his chair,

  “I’m not married, actually, what about you ?”

  “I was, not anymore,” I replied shortly, hoping he would not pursue the topic.

  “I would like to say I’m sorry to hear that, but I’d be lying,” he answered, he sat forward again slightly, hoping I would respond somehow, but I just smiled. I still hadn’t quite made my mind up about him, there was no question, he was easy to be around, but I was reluctant to fall into old habits, because I was feeling alone. Suddenly, I missed Kat, in the past, I had always been able to get in touch, ask her opinion then generally disregard her advice, but she had been there...and now she was not.

  “As I said, I have school tomorrow...so...” Adam hesitated, I stood up sharply,

  “We should go, I don’t want to be responsible for you getting a detention,” I replied, smiling. He took my arm and left me through the now-crowded pub and out into the street, then offered to walk me home, which I accepted.

  As we walked slowly along, I knew I had decided to take this as far as he wanted, everyone else was having a good time tonight so I would as well. I assured myself this was not like all those times before, this time I knew what I was doing and Adam was not some loser who would have sex with anyone who offered. Anyway I was alone now, so I should take any opportunity to be with someone, however meaningless. At the very back of my mind, I could almost hear a small voice reminding me how far I had come, and to do this would be a step backwards, but that voice was surprisingly easy to ignore, by the time we reached my front door. I turned to Adam,