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  “Before anyone else comes in, there’s one more thing,” she half-whispered.

  “Don’t tell me, let me guess, you played Monopoly and he let you win !” I laughed.

  “You’re funny, you know that ?” she snapped back, slightly annoyed I was apparently not taking her seriously, I held my hands up,

  “I’m sorry, go on, what’s the one more thing..?” I asked, genuinely interested.

  “Well...and this may sound really lame..” she began hesitantly, “In fact, I can’t believe I’m actually going to say it...”

  “For God’s sake Kat spit it out !” I gasped impatiently.

  “Alright...last night, me and Matt, well, it wasn’t just sex, it was, like ,we made love..can you believe it ? After all this time, I actually made love with someone,” her eyes widened with this revelation. I smiled, hugged her tightly then looked at her carefully,

  “And you’re OK ?” I asked gently, she nodded and grinned back, the sheer delight in her expression made no more words necessary. At that moment, two women burst though the door, deep in conversation,

  “Like I told you Dolly, one side was definitely bigger than the other, so I made him book an appointment with the doctors’, there and then,” said one.

  “Well, you couldn’t leave it there .....hanging...” the other replied solemnly.

  Kat and I glanced at each other and giggled, Dolly looked round,

  “You two alright ?” she queried, her pale eyes peering over the steel rims of her glasses.

  “Fine thanks,” I replied quickly, then dashed out of the door, quickly followed by Kat .

  “What do you think they were talking ...?” she began.

  “I really don’t want to go there...” I gasped back, “Come on, we’re late !”

  During the morning, Kat's new found joie de vivre did not go unnoticed by her workmates, many sidled up to me and asked a whole range of questions from suspected pregnancy to her obvious drug problem, I deflected them all with a nonchalant shrug and an insistence I wasn’t aware of any particular change in her mood. When we met for lunch, even the relentless boredom of a working day had done nothing to diminish her high spirits, after yet another recounting of the events of the night before, she paused,

  “Oh God, I don’t shut up, do I ? What about you honey ? What did you do ?” she asked.

  “Nothing very interesting,” I lied, knowing I had absolutely no desire to recall my evening. She was about to comment when a tannoy announcement requested my going to the warehouse immediately, leaving my belongings with Kat , I made my way there, I was so sure of what was going to happen, it came as no surprise to see Phil anxiously pacing up and down in the deserted warehouse, When he saw me, he half-ran over,

  “Where have you been ?” he barked angrily, “I haven’t got all day.”

  He grabbed my arm,

  “Come on, after the morning I’ve had, I need those big tits of yours to cheer me up,” he sneered, he started to move, but I stood still. He pulled harder, then glanced back at me,

  “Stop fucking about !” he whispered hoarsely.

  “Take your hand off me,” I said calmly, my voice cold, each word heavily emphasised. I felt his grip on my arm tighten, he dragged me to the door,

  “I told you I haven’t got a lot of time, this is not the time to play fucking hard to get !” his dark eyes flashed with irritation. I inhaled deeply,

  “I said take your hand off me,” I repeated firmly, when he made no move to comply, I peeled his fingers off my arm and started to walk away from him. Almost immediately, I heard him race up behind me, he spun me around, his whole face now livid with temper,

  “What the fuck is this ? You stupid bitch ! Just get up those fucking stairs and suck my cock like a good girl !”

  A hundred remarks all flooded into my mind as more than adequate responses to his words, but I realised in that moment, he just wasn’t worth the effort, so I just looked at him then turned away and walked.

  “You fucking bitch !” he yelled, but I didn’t stop walking, I heard a crash behind me, I knew he had thrown or maybe kicked something to vent his disgust at what he saw was my unreasonable behaviour, but he was no longer my problem. As I was about to turn into the canteen, I heard the boss calling out from his office,

  “Is everything alright out there ?”

  “Yes, everything’s fine,” I replied, “I think Phil dropped something.”

  I went back to Kat's table, without speaking, I gulped down almost an entire bottle of Coke, she watched, obviously concerned,

  “You alright ?” she asked.

  “Fine, just had a nasty taste in my mouth,” I replied, inwardly smiling at the obvious entendre.

  “Doesn’t surprise me, not with the food in here,” she laughed. Daniel ,who was filling the vending machine paused,

  “I heard that,” he chipped in with mock annoyance.

  Kat winked at me, got up and went over to him,

  “Don’t be mad, Dan, you know I love you really,” she squeezed his arm gently, he glanced over at me with raised eyebrows at this unexpected show of affection, I just smiled back.

  During the afternoon, I thought about my reaction to Phil and was both proud and relieved I had finally done the right thing, but I knew I couldn’t leave it there, if things were really going to change, I would have to do something more - I just didn’t know what.

  Chapter 10

  After our confrontation, apart from a few barbed comments, Phil steered clear of me, probably because he was scared if he pushed me too far, there was always the risk of me talking about what had happened between us. Kat and Matt were happily in the throes of their new relationship, that blissful stage, where the rest of the world ceases to matter as much as just spending time with each other. I looked on, like a proud parent, as Kat started to allow the softer side of her personality to show through, it was clear, she felt no need to be as defensive anymore. However happy I was for them both, I had started to feel restless, I knew I needed to do something, make some gesture, that would finally allow me to let go of all the ugly, dark side of my past, and truly move on. Previously, I had looked for some semblance of well-being in random sexual encounters, but, I knew from bitter experience, these were, at best, a moment’s pleasure, as with Jack, but it was more common to wake up the next day, feeling so much worse.

  After several weeks of trying to fill my days positively, it became clear, I still felt like I was treading water, not moving ahead at all, although some of the obstacles had allegedly been overcome. I went to a yoga class, a meditation seminar, even contemplated some kind of mind expansion experience, but nothing worked, I started to feel slightly lost.

  “If you ever find me signing up for a rag-rug circle, just kill me,” I begged Kat, half-jokingly, during one lunch break.

  “What the hell is a rag rug ?” she said, clearly exasperated.

  “It’s a rug you make by tying rags through a mesh..” I began.

  “Stop it..just stop it right now !” she ordered, then told me, in no uncertain terms, she would never let this happen and I shouldn’t even be considering such a hobby.

  “Look, you’ve got loads of holiday to have, why don’t you take yourself off for a few days ? It did you the world of good last time,” she suggested, clearly concerned for my wellbeing.

  Having dispensed her wisdom, she got up from the table and made me promise I would think about what she had said,

  “I can’t be this happy, if I know you’re sitting somewhere, waist-deep in old rags....I care about you too much,” she insisted, when she saw my look of surprise at this admission, she paused,

  “What’s that look for ? Anyone would think I never say anything nice !” she laughed and left quickly, before I could reply. As she had extracted a promise from me, I headed straight for the personnel office, Lainie was going away for a week with friends, so I decided to book that same week off, I had no idea what I was going to do , but just signing the form made me feel be
tter, after all, at last I was actually doing something. When I arrived home that evening, my daughter was still out, so I switched on the television to catch up with the news, some journalist was reporting from outside Westminster, it took no more than a quick glimpse before I had made up my mind it was obviously a sign.

  I phoned Kat almost immediately, but there was no answer, she was obviously with Matt, it didn’t matter though, I was going to London and, unlike last time, there would be no course, no endless health and safety presentations, I could hardly wait for Lainie to come home so I could tell her of my plans, I knew she would do her usual, half-hearted attempt at enthusiasm,

  “Sounds great, Mum,” but that was fine, as I felt, at last, I had a direction and it had taken something as simple as a television programme to provide one. Even though it had not always been happy, London had always been my home, wherever I had lived, I had only ever felt that I really belonged there. So strange as it seemed, I came to the conclusion, perhaps I would never be able to move forward, without first going back, only this time, I would face the past head-on, however difficult or painful that might be.

  So it was only a few days later, I was checked into a hotel, after quickly freshening up, I walked down the steps and into the London sunshine, there was something about the traffic noise, the general chatter of half-heard conversations, even the sound of the planes flying overhead I always found so welcomingly familiar. But there would be no visiting famous landmarks, not today, I was going back, to the house I had shared with Steve, it was the place that haunted the very worst of my nightmares. I had decided perhaps if I saw it for what it was, an ordinary house in a suburban street, maybe then I could put them to rest once and for all.

  As I reached the top of the road, I paused, it seemed almost nothing had changed, the trees lining either side of the wide pavements, the clipped hedges and neat front gardens. When I started to walk slowly along, even so many years later, a long-forgotten knot in my stomach made itself known, I could hardly remember how often I had been there, worrying about what kind of mood Steve would be in when I arrived home and, more importantly, whether or not he would be sober. I would glance anxiously ahead, if a window was open, it was a sign he was there, on seeing it, I would try and steel myself for the possibility of facing his anger, or one of the rare days when he was happy.

  As I strolled along this normal-looking road, I began to remember how excited I had been when we had first moved in, at the time believing I was on the brink of a whole new life, as it turned out, I was, just not the one I had naively envisaged. It had not taken long for the cracks to show, until, one terrifying night, after a particularly savage beating, I had waited for him to go out the next morning, then left, with only the things I could carry and Lainie. At the time, I had nowhere really to go, but my fear for her safety had finally made me see sense. Steve had caught up with us a few weeks later, saying he would change, at first, he almost meekly promised to give up drinking , but, when this approach failed, his voice quickly changed to the more familiar demanding tone, as he insisted I returned to give him a chance. Strangely, for the first time, as he spoke, he suddenly appeared almost small to me, reminding me of a spoilt, little boy, angry at not getting his own way. After my rejection, he had slammed his way out of my life , but not before swearing, with violent certainty, one day I would regret my decision and go crawling back to him. At the time, I had promised myself I never would , yet, all these years later, just as he had predicted, I was back, only he wasn’t here any more. Ironically, when I heard he had finally drowned in the sea of alcohol he had swum in for so long, despite everything, I had felt a slight tinge of sadness, after all, he was Lainie’s father and had missed having her in his life.

  When I reached the front gate and looked up, all the windows were open, I could hear the sound of children playing in the back garden, music was blaring and someone was singing along somewhere inside the house. Suddenly the front door opened, a slim, young woman appeared, when she saw me, she beamed,

  “Can I help you ? You look lost ,” she said brightly, swinging a large handbag over one shoulder, before almost bouncing up the path towards me, her high, blonde ponytail swinging side-to-side, her bright, blue eyes sparkling, I returned her smile,

  “No, it’s just I used to live here...a long time ago,” I began.

  “Oh right, having a quick trip down memory lane,” she interrupted cheerfully, she glanced back at the house, “Don’t know how you ever left this place though, we all love it,” she added almost wistfully..

  “I’m glad you’re happy here,” I replied truthfully. On hearing me speak, the young woman turned back to me,

  “I wish I had the time to show you round, so you could see if we’ve changed anything, but.....”

  I shook my head,

  “No, I’ve seen everything I came for, but thanks anyway,” I replied firmly.

  “OK then, well, I have to go, I’m meeting a friend and I’m late already,” she laughed, we said goodbye, then she skipped past me and half-ran up the road. I took one last look at the house, it was just an ordinary place, yet for literally years, in my mind, it had become an integral part of every nightmare I had suffered since I had left.

  Whenever I had thought about it, which I almost always avoided because the memory caused nothing but a tide of nausea. In fact even when I saw a photograph, a tight knot of terror would grip my stomach. But now ,as I stood there, I saw it for what it was, someone’s home and they were happy there. Suddenly all those fears vanished back into the past where they belonged, as I turned away, I felt so relieved , I had expected to find ghosts but, if they had ever existed at all, they were long gone.

  I began walking back up the road, knowing there would never be a need to come back again, that part of my life could finally be laid to rest.

  I travelled back to London, feeling almost proud of myself, after all, I had ended things with Phil back at work and now, I had come here and buried the past, perhaps I really had turned a corner. Almost as soon as I was back in the heart of the city, I found myself carried along in a veritable tide of excited people all heading towards Leicester Square. Before I had a chance to do anything, we herded into a fenced area by two large security men, their blank, impassive faces showed no concern for the large number of people now squashed into a relatively small space.

  I glanced around to try and get my bearings, but I was pushed forward on to a barrier by the wall of people behind me. One of the security men appeared on the other side of the barrier, he seemed to be muttering into an earpiece while looking across the sea of faces through his jet black sunglasses,

  “Excuse me,” I began, hoping to get his attention, I waved, but it was obviously hopeless, suddenly two young girls almost fell into me as there was another surge from somewhere at the back. They giggled helplessly, before somehow managing to regain their balance,

  “Sorry about that, it’s a bit mad here, isn’t it ?” one gasped, “Looks like they’ve packed a few too many in !”

  “They always do,” added the other, who was desperately trying to heave her bag off the floor before it was trampled by the crowd.

  “What are you all here for ?” I asked.

  Both girls stopped and looked at me as if I was mad,

  “It’s the premiere tonight...” one explained, seeing my still-blank expression, “..the big action movie, it’s opening tonight, the Queen and everything are going to be here.”

  “Not the Queen, she only goes to those big charity ones...” the other corrected, the first shot a withering look at her companion and turned back to me,

  “Well, probably not the Queen, but all sorts of celebrities are due to come, we’re here ‘cos on the fan website they said Harry might be coming.”

  The two girls squeezed along the barrier, believing they could get a better view further along, I noticed the burly security guard had stopped talking, so I waved again, this time he ambled over.

  “Are you alright ?” he as
ked gruffly, I asked if there was a way out, he shook his head explaining , all the exits were covered and I would have to wait until after the guests had arrived, he moved away to begin another conversation with his unseen colleagues. A quick look behind me, revealed a sea of eager faces, all straining, while holding cameras high above their heads, there was no question, I was there for the duration.

  After over an hour, I felt like a pebble on a beach, having been pushed forward and trampled on so often by the tide of hot, sweaty people, finally, I opted to hang on to the barrier for grim death in an effort to avoid the crush. Opposite me, was another large crowd on the other side of the road, they were equally packed in, as I watched a paramedic lifted a fainting woman over the barrier. As I contemplated feigning ill health just to get out of this seething mass, a long, silver Mercedes appeared, drove down the gap between the two barriers. The crowd surged forward, the edge of the barrier dug into my ribs, I gasped for air,

  “Who is it ?” a voice from the back called anxiously.

  “Don’t know yet !” yelled someone near the front, “Hold on, the door’s opening....it’s...”

  As a young man stepped out of the car, the noise from the mass of people was deafening, he looked distinctly nervous as he waved, his eyes darting around the mass of faces before him. He stood in front of a huge clump of press photographers all yelling contradictory instructions, about where they wanted him to wave, smile or stand. I watched him approach one of the barriers tentatively, a massive cluster of grabbing hands reached to touch him, it was like some kind of horror film, as if he was being fed to some god awful monster. As I watched him try to sign autographs and pose for pictures, he looked very small to me, almost fragile, when one over-zealous fan refused to let go of his jacket, he glanced panic-stricken over to the security guards who almost lifted him off the ground to safety.