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  “Shit !”

  He turned and ran down the stairs, pausing briefly at the door to zip his fly, then slipped out when he was sure there was no one around. I slumped down on to the top step, my stomach was churning and I could still taste that dark penis in my mouth, the thought caused me to retch, foul bile filled my throat, but this was not the place to be sick, it could be discovered, so I swallowed hard. I tidied myself before inching down the stairs, as I reached the door, I stopped when I heard voices outside then stopped by the door, it was my boss and Matt, they were laughing, my eyes stung with tears, just hearing him so close was just too much. I longed to feel his strong arms around me, not in a sexual way, not at all, it was just I knew I would feel safe with him.

  When they moved away, I edged out of the door and half-ran to the cloakroom, which was thankfully deserted. I leant heavily over a washbasin, switched on the tap and splashed my face with the cool water, I found myself rubbing hard , as if trying to remove every trace of Phil , I gulped down handfuls of water to rinse my mouth out. After several attempts, I stopped, dried my face, then looked at my reflection in the soap-spattered mirror, despite the fact my eyes were slightly red, I looked almost normal , but inside, I still felt sick to my stomach. I waited for a few minutes, until the feeling settled, with one last glimpse in the mirror, I went back to work.

  At lunchtime, I made an excuse about needing to run into town on an errand, which left Kat having lunch with Matt, when I saw them sitting together, it was a brief respite from the grim reality of the rest of my day. I wandered aimlessly round town, trying to make sense of what had happened, why had I given in so easily ? What was wrong with me ? What about the promise I had made myself ? As I passed the newsagent, there was Vanessa smiling on the cover of a magazine, just seeing that face, made tears well up, it took all I had just to force them back. I thought about our night together what it felt like when she had touched me, how she had tasted, what it had been like to be truly connected to another person. Soon I was so lost in the memory, it was easy to block out everything that had happened with Phil.

  I opted to bury myself in work for the afternoon, as I was convinced it was the only way I could get through the rest of the day. Finally, when it was time to go home, I grabbed my things from the cloakroom and made a dash for the door, hoping to leave unnoticed, I was almost out when I heard Kat call, for a split second, I wanted to run, pretend I hadn’t heard, but when she called again, I knew I had to stop.

  “Where’s the fire ?” she asked breathlessly.

  “Sorry, just wanted to get home,” I replied apologetically.

  “Oh right, just wanted to ask you something quickly..” she began, her eyes gleaming, “ about Matt.”

  “Go on then,” I answered, unable to turn away.

  “He’s asked me out, and I wanted to check it was OK with you before I said yes,” she explained hurriedly,“ It is, isn’t it ?”

  I looked at her face, it occurred to me that she suddenly looked very young,

  “Of course, you’re single and so’s he, I say go for it,” I smiled, knowing I had said exactly what she wanted to hear, she beamed, hugged me tightly then skipped off to her car. As I walked up to the bus stop, despite everything that had happened to me, I was genuinely happy, it seemed two people I cared about had ,perhaps, found each other, this thought reassured me as I waited for the bus.

  When I arrived home, I was barely through the front door when my phone started ringing, a quick glance at caller ID showed Matt’s name, at first, we just exchanged a few pleasantries, but it was obvious he had something in particular to ask and, as I knew what it was, I cut to the chase,

  “I know you’ve asked Kat out for dinner, and I think it’s great.”

  I heard him sigh with relief,

  “I was just worried you might think it was...er..bit quick,” he stammered awkwardly. But I quickly reassured him and we ended the call, with me promising to email him a list of the better restaurants in town. As I unpacked my shopping, I noticed a post-it from Lainie pinned to the fridge, she was at the cinema and would be back later, this simple note highlighted just how our relationship had changed, she was no longer my baby, but a young woman forging her own way in the world, I silently made a wish she would always remain as confident and independent. But, much as I loved thinking about her, I was anxious to get into the shower and wash every memory of Phil off my body, I felt so awful, as long as any trace of him was still around, even thinking about my beloved daughter seemed wrong somehow, as I took off my uniform, I resolved nothing more could ever happen between us, any deluded moment of believing someone wanted me, just wasn’t worth feeling this bad.

  After what seemed like hours, I lay down on my bed, tired but, at least, feeling slightly less like a used tissue. Much later, my daughter arrived home, full of how shockingly bad the movie had been, but what a great time she’d had, as she told me about how some young guys who’d thrown popcorn at her to get her attention,

  “Like they had any hope of getting anywhere,” she said dismissively, “God they were ugly, seriously !”

  We laughed, said goodnight and she left the room, I could hear the distant beeping of her texting her friends, knowing she was safe, I took a couple of sedatives and waited for sleep. I was awoken much later by the sound of my mobile vibrating on my bedside table, cursing myself for forgetting to switch it off, I groped for the phone, bleary-eyed, I could see it was Kat.

  “Hey,” I mumbled, desperately trying to fight off the effects of the pills I took earlier, “Are you alright ?” suddenly slightly concerned as she was calling so late.

  “I’ve just got in and wanted to call you, oh crap, sorry honey, I’ve just seen the time, were you asleep ?”

  Before I had a chance to answer, she began telling me about her evening with Matt, I settled back under my duvet and listened as she rattled on about what a gentleman he was, how easy it was to talk to him, every so often she paused, as she remembered I did know the man, but quickly forgot that fact and carried on. When she had exhausted every detail of their whole evening, her voice suddenly changed,

  “There was one thing weird though,” she began slowly.

  “Go on,” I replied sleepily.

  “When we got back to mine, I invited him in, but he just kissed my cheek, thanked me for a great evening, then left as soon as he saw me open the front door,” she explained.

  “So ? What’s wrong with that ?” I asked, trying to understand her apparent concern.

  “Guys always want to come in, I don’t know, perhaps he just didn’t find me attractive,” the sad tone in her voice made me sit up in bed,

  “That’s nonsense and you know it, Matt’s not like your usual guy, he probably just didn’t want to rush things, that’s all,” I said truthfully.

  “You’re probably right...thanks honey, see you soon, oh yeah, sorry again for waking you up, night.”

  With her gone, I switched off the phone and slumped back down, hoping there was still enough drug left coursing round my body to send me back to sleep.

  Chapter 9

  It wasn't until the following lunchtime at work before I saw Kat, I had tried to catch Matt earlier in the day , but he had been in a meeting, which I decided, on reflection, was probably a good thing, selfish as it sounded, the last thing I wanted to happen was for me to get stuck in the middle of any relationship. As soon as I sat at her table, it was obvious Kat was not in an especially good mood, she glanced across at a young couple sitting at another table, who were completely engrossed in each other,

  “Young love ,eh ?” she mused, nodding towards them. I glanced across and agreed they looked genuinely happy with each other.

  “Wait ‘til she sees him cutting his toenails while watching ‘Match of the Day’, she won’t be so besotted then,” she snarled. I sighed,

  “OK..what’s wrong with you ? This isn’t still about last night, is it ? I thought we’d already talked about this.”

  Kat looked
sadly back at me,

  “I really like Matt, but he didn’t even look at me this morning.....I must have done something, perhaps I came on too strong, maybe....”

  “Stop it,” I interrupted firmly, I took her hands,

  “Now look, he asked you out, didn’t he ? And unless you ate your dinner with your mouth open or spat on the floor, it’s unlikely you did anything wrong.”

  Despite herself, a smile spread across her face,

  “So you think it was a good thing I used used the knife and fork instead of my usual thing of just burying my face in the food like a trough ?” she replied.

  “Without question,” I laughed. As we continued exchanging the worst possible things you could possibly do at the dinner table, Matt appeared , he nodded to me before turning to Kat,

  “Sorry I couldn’t see you this morning, Brian had a pile of paperwork for me to finish first thing...anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to go to a gig tonight, it’s a local band, they might be awful but it could be fun,” he looked hopefully at her.

  “That would be good,” Kat replied shyly.

  “Great, that’s great,” he repeated, his whole face beaming, after arranging to see her later, he raced out of the canteen.

  “You know, I think you were right before, he obviously hates you,” I joked, but instead of the expected barbed response, Kat just smiled dreamily and distractedly returned to her previously-discarded sandwich.

  At the end of the day, I just reached the door in time to see Matt and Kat walking arm-in-arm to her car, they paused, he kissed her and she jumped in. As I continued to watch, I saw her car drive away, he almost ran to his, leapt in and sped off to follow her. They were at the beginning of something, that incredibly intoxicating sensation of expectation and I was genuinely happy for them both, especially as I was becoming increasingly sure, it was an emotion I would never experience myself.

  As I walked, I knew I sounded self-pitying, but there was nothing I could do to stop it, so I stopped at the local shop and bought a bottle of tequila, well, if I was going to wallow, I might as well do it properly ,I knew Lainie was away for the night, so I would be alone. Once home and out of my uniform, I grabbed the tequila and slumped down on the sofa, just before I opened the bottle, I hesitated, this was a bad idea, it was self-destructive and would only leave me feeling worse, but as I was unconvinced that was impossible, I poured anyway in the vain hope if I drank enough, the alcohol would somehow blank out the dead, empty feeling, even though, I knew, from past experience, it would ultimately fail.

  As I swallowed the first mouthful, it was like the very act itself loosened the lock on the darkest places of my mind, and like Pandora’s box, once opened, every black memory swirled out with such force, filling the air around me, making it almost impossible to close that door again. I quickly poured another then another, as if racing with my own memory, hoping I could drown it before it had a chance to surface, but every shot seemed to bring a painful image to my mind, each one seemingly more unbearable than the last. I closed my eyes, as if I believed in some way, this temporary blindness would somehow make it stop, but those memories were seared into my mind and , however hard I tried, they were always going to be there, hiding under the surface, waiting for just this kind of moment to make their presence felt again. I threw the half-empty bottle across the room, clambered on to the sofa and buried my head in the welcoming cushions, if I could just go to sleep, maybe it would stop, maybe that was all I needed.

  But what I had forgotten was when you sleep, you dream, as I lay there, I suddenly found myself back fifteen years, looking up at Steve, his deranged expression glaring down at me as he pinned me down,

  “You’re fucking useless !”

  His hand crashed into the side of my face, it felt like my cheek bone cracked, split in two, the pain was so intense,

  “The only thing you’re good for, is fucking me, understand ? I said understand !”

  Another blow, my head ringing, unable to focus, I mumbled I understood and whatever I had done I was sorry.

  "Sorry !" he yelled, " I'm the one who's fucking sorry, you stupid bitch, for having you as a wife, what the fuck did I do to deserve you ? Tell me that !"

  " I don't know," I begged, " Just please stop, I'll try harder.."

  But he wasn't ready to stop, more blows rained down, with each one, hate-filled words spewed from his mouth, threatening to kill me, in the end, using the last bit of energy I had, I managed to whisper,

  “You can’t kill something that’s already dead.”

  On hearing this, he clumsily climbed off me, then looked disdainfully down at me as if looking at dirt,

  “Clean yourself up, you look a fucking mess, I don’t know why you make me do this.... I don't fucking ask for much, ” he then kicked me sharply in the ribs, watched impassively while I doubled up in pain before announcing he was going to bed, leaving me lying on the floor like a broken foetus.

  The sheer horror of this memory woke me from my drunken stupor, I sat up, I was breathing heavily and, when I reached for my cheek it was wet, for one awful moment, I thought I was touching blood, it was almost relief to see it was nothing but a few tears. I glanced up, in the half-light, my eyes rested on the photograph of Steve stood on the shelf, he was smiling, holding a champagne glass, for all the world, a decent, likeable man,

  “And they say the camera never lies,” I mumbled, most of the time, I barely looked at the picture, it was just something I moved when I did the housework, but now, in the darkness, it seemed to dominate the entire room much like he had done when we had been together. As I looked into his lifeless eyes, I was suddenly gripped by an overwhelming urge to tear down the photograph and throw it away, but the thought of Lainie stopped me as I knew she loved it being there. She had been so young when he had died, so had no lasting memory of him, her insistence on having the picture in the room was perhaps the only way she could see, to have some kind of tangible connection with her father.

  So I resisted the earlier temptation, but I was left knowing I would have to do something, as there would be no peace for me as long as he was in the room, so I stood up unsteadily, walked slowly over to the shelf, picked up the picture and tucked it away in a drawer.

  “I can get it out tomorrow, before she comes home,” I said quietly.

  As my brain was still swimming in tequila, I gingerly made my way back to the sofa and almost fell , fortunately, I managed to grab the arm before I hit the floor, I paused, then carefully sat down, cursing myself for drinking in the first place. I leant back to rest my head, hoping against hope there were no other long-buried memories who were going to make themselves known. But as I lay there, a seemingly-endless montage of pictures flashed into my mind, Phil in the warehouse grinning, me waking up in strange bedrooms with nameless people asleep beside me, my arms bleeding as I scored a Stanley knife through my own skin......in the end, it became too much, there were just too many, it was just too painful,

  “Stop ! Please stop !” I screamed aloud, clutching my head so tightly as if I could squeeze these unwanted pictures out of my brain, an unholy screech emanated from my dry mouth and echoed around the darkened room. I sat back, the only audible noise being the wild thumping of my heart against my chest, I could do nothing but wait for it to slow down, so I tried to breathe deeply, willing it to return to a bearable rhythm.

  After several frightening minutes, I started to feel every clamped muscle relax, even the incessant pounding in my head seemed less violent, one more deep breath and some version of calm was reached. Unsteadily, I got up and switched the light on, as if by getting rid of the darkness all those ghosts would be forced to leave me in peace. I picked up the discarded bottle and stuffed it in to the bin, then after pouring myself a huge glass of water, I returned to the sofa, sipped the cool liquid and attempted to reassemble my mind.

  For some inexplicable reason, by the time I had drained the glass, I felt marginally better. I pulled a blanket over my shoulders a
s the room felt cold and unforgiving, I needed some warmth, I wandered over to the window and peered through the drawn curtains, aside from a stray cat padding along the pavement, there was no movement and no sound. As I watched the cat, my eyes were suddenly drawn upward, a light had come on in the house opposite, I could see the shadow of someone picking up a baby, they were swaying gently backward and forwards. After several moments, the light went off again, plunging the whole house back into darkness.

  I straightened the curtain and smiled, I’d been reminded of when Lainie was young, there had been many disturbed nights, but I had never minded. I had always loved holding her in my arms, her tiny fingers grasping mine, stroking her soft, peach-like cheek which always helped her fall asleep. I must have sat for hours by her bed, singing old songs while watching her huge eyes struggle to stay open, before admitting defeat and drifting shut.

  For the first time that night, I almost felt at peace, I wandered into my bedroom, still wrapped in my blanket, I climbed into bed. As I lay there, I felt like the worst possible storm had whipped through me, there was no doubt I had been battered, but now it had passed, Pandora’s box had been slammed shut , the contents had made themselves known and were now silent once more.

  The next morning, I awoke, feeling a bit heavy but nowhere near as bad as I had expected. I took Steve’s photograph out of the drawer and placed it back on the shelf,

  “ I am so tired of carrying you around, I just can’t do it anymore, I have to be done with you, if I’m ever going to move on...this has to be over,” I said firmly, knowing the huge unseen weight, I felt I’d been carrying forever, needed to be lifted off my shoulders, once and for all, the only question was how,I still had no answer when I arrived at work the next morning, Kat was perched on the outside wall, as soon as our eyes met, she leapt off and almost ran to meet me,

  “Am I right in thinking you had a good time last night ?” I asked, loving to see her so happy. She beamed back at me, as we walked in, she managed to fit every detail of an entire evening into the space of five minutes – leaving nothing out. She was so quick, by the time we reached the cloakroom, I knew almost everything, as I put my bag in my locker, Kat peered out of the door then returned to my side,