Hidden Within Page 8

  “I tried once,” I began, she looked up, puzzled by my statement, “Long time ago, I put a clock in the freezer, just to see if it would work.”

  She laughed and rolled on to her back,

  “Why would you do that ?”

  “I had drunk a bottle of tequila, not to mention taken a few medications which are not necessarily available at the local pharmacist,” I explained simply.

  “And they say I’m crazy !” she laughed, leaned to look at me, almost immediately her smile faded to be replaced by a far more serious expression, it was as if she had just noticed something,

  “What happened ?” she asked, tracing a line along my cheekbone until her finger rested on a small indentation,

  “Steve,” I replied simply, suddenly feeling incredibly exposed even though I had been completely naked for some time, it made me feel so uncomfortable, I tried to turn my face away from hers, but she held my cheek firmly in the cool palm of her hand. She leant forward, gently kissed the scar and quietly rested back on my chest , I swallowed hard and tried not to cry, although I had no real understanding why such a simple gesture could provoke such an intense reaction.

  Several more minutes passed before finally the relentless ticking clock made its presence felt again, a thin shaft of watery sunlight had started to creep across the floor like a thief, threatening to steal what was left of the night.

  “It’s nearly morning,” I whispered, “I really should go.”

  Vanessa looked up at me,

  “I guess so,” she replied resignedly.

  I stood up and reluctantly started to get dressed, as I buttoned my blouse I happened to catch my reflection in a vast mirror, I may have looked dishevelled, but unusually for me, I felt beautiful, so I let it go. By the time I was ready to face the world, Vanessa emerged from the bedroom dressed in a long bathrobe, I marvelled at how she was still looking amazing, whereas I now felt as if I had been forcibly dragged through a hedge.

  We walked slowly to the door, arm-in-arm, as I reached for the handle, I paused, I wanted to say something deep and insightful, something that would really show how much this night had meant, but, as before, nothing came to mind. Vanessa pulled me toward her and we hugged, she then kissed my cheek, I told her I wished I knew what to say, but she shook her head,

  “No need,” she replied gently.

  I opened the door to leave, but then stopped,

  “I wish more than anything I could see you again, I just want you to know that,” I said urgently, realising this was one goodbye that could well mean what it said.

  “Me too, but you have your course and I have, well, I have Marcella..” she smiled sadly, we stood looking at each other for a moment, nobody wanted to be the first to leave, but when suddenly the elevator doors opened at the end of the corridor, it was taken out of our hands, reality had arrived. After one last look, I started walking slowly down the carpeted corridor, just before I got into the waiting lift, I glanced back, but the hotel room door was closed.

  “Which floor, Madam ?” the bellboy asked politely.

  “Ground, please,” I replied quickly, desperately trying to ignore the fact I wanted to cry.

  Chapter 6

  When I reached the doors of my own hotel, I glanced quickly at my reflection in the glass door, and then entered. A man was sitting at reception, I could hear the sound of a television, which he was obviously watching, he barely looked up when I asked for my key, preferring just to reach up and put it on the desk. I was relieved, I didn’t want to engage in pleasantries, I just wanted to get to my room. After carefully locking the door, I started to undress, as I hung my clothes in the wardrobe, for a moment, I was convinced I could still smell Vanessa's perfume on them. I slipped under the cool cotton sheets and rested my head back on the soft pillow, with the intention of trying to make sense of what had happened, but instead, I fell straight to sleep.

  The next morning, I was awoken by the shrill beeping of my alarm, I reached across and fumbled to switch the offensive thing off, as I did so, I suddenly remembered where I was and why I was here.

  “Dammit, the course,” I cursed as I left the warmth of my bed and stumbled to the shower. Once washed and dressed, I hastily checked I had everything I needed for the day then raced out of the hotel door, almost forgetting to grab the key from the bedside table.

  The sunshine seemed even brighter than usual as I headed blinking into the day, heading towards the glass building that dominated the skyline. I passed a newsstand as I walked up to the revolving doors, I suddenly saw Vanessa's face smiling on the cover of a magazine and almost tripped over the kerb. I went to the stand,

  “Morning darling,” the vendor said brightly, his cheery smile matching the brightness of the weather.

  “Morning, just this one ,please,” I answered, rummaging in my purse for some money, while still holding the magazine. As I paid, he pointed at the picture,

  “What a cracker !” he said admiringly, “If I was twenty years younger....” I laughed.

  “Have a good day, gorgeous,” he called after me, then turned to his next customer. As I ambled towards the revolving doors, I looked again at the picture, it was almost impossible to believe, only a few hours earlier, I had been with her, seeing that cover, well, it was like looking at someone from another world , one so completely removed from mine. My thoughts were interrupted by a chirpy greeting from Amanda, who took my arm and led me into the building, chattering away about the alleged highpoints of today’s schedule. I carefully tucked the magazine into my handbag and attempted to pay attention, just as we were about to enter, Amanda pulled me to one side,

  “Look I know it’s none of my business, but I do owe you...so I have to say something....” she whispered.

  “About what ?” I asked.

  “You’ve got a hickey on your neck...or at least..it looks like one, just thought you might want to cover it up,” she continued, pointing at my exposed neck. I self-consciously put my hand up to cover it, thanked her, raced into the building, then, without stopping, the ladies room which was thankfully deserted. I glanced into the mirror, and there it was, a small, round mark, I traced the circle with my finger I pulled a scarf from my bag, as I tied it loosely, I smiled to myself...it had been real, every last moment, had been real, however unlikely that seemed.

  Now I was covered, I strode confidently out of the ladies room and headed straight for the reception desk, remembering I had been in such a hurry, I had forgotten to sign in, as I glanced across the airy lobby, I say Matt leaning over the desk, filling in the appropriate form. Knowing I couldn’t avoid him for the whole day, I walked up to the desk,

  “Morning,” I said cheerfully, he looked up,

  “Hello, how are you ?” he replied, smiling, then pretended to look round, “No minder today then ?”

  I shook my head and laughed,

  “No, I gave him the day off, I thought I was safe with you,” I replied.

  “Oh great, that makes me sound really exciting,” he moaned.

  “I didn’t mean that as it sounded,” I insisted, but he was already walking towards the elevator, just as I was convinced I had offended him, he glanced back,

  “Are you coming ?” he called, I nodded and followed him into the lift.

  The morning was spent with Amanda discussing health and safety legislation, the intense woman who had spent much of the day before frantically scribbling notes, resumed her apparent desire to record every last moment. However, the rest of the group were definitely less enamoured with the topic, although almost everyone managed to conceal their boredom until one man, who was playing a game on his iphone ,obviously reached a new level and punched the air in triumph before remembering where he was, then sheepishly dropped his arm back down and proceeded to stare intently at the handout.

  Just when I was in danger of losing the will to live, it was lunchtime, as the group wandered down towards the elevator, Matt appeared by my side,

  “In a foolhardy effort t
o dispel this frankly scandalous myth I’m dull, can I tempt you to an over-priced Panini and a coffee served in an unfeasibly weak paper cup with all the structural integrity of a wet tissue ?” he asked. I laughed,

  “How can I possibly refuse such a charming invitation, and, for the record, I did not say you were dull,” I corrected playfully.

  He smiled, offered me his arm and we headed once more to the cafe for lunch. We spent the hour chatting, laughing and swapping anecdotes, it was so ridiculously easy being with him, for a moment, I did question my earlier belief he would not be ideal. But I quickly concluded it would be a terrible mistake, and, if it should go wrong, I would lose someone who I sincerely hoped would become a friend. I was also mildly surprised he made no further mention of Frank’s untimely appearance, but grateful, after all, I wouldn’t be able to tell him anything and it could make things awkward between us.

  After tidying our table, he excused himself and said he would see me back upstairs, as there were still a few minutes to go before we had to back, I pulled the magazine out of my bag and settled back in my chair. I had just started to read, when Amanda landed next to me and began peering over my shoulder, when I reached the pages of Vanessa’s interview, I heard Amanda breathe in sharply,

  “Not keen on her, she always seems quite a hard person, don’t you think ?”

  Before I had a chance to answer, she carried on with her train of thought,

  “No, not hard, oh what’s that word I’m trying to think of.......aloof , yes, aloof, that’s what she is.”

  I responded to her interruption with a few remarks about not being judgemental and , perhaps, she was quite a nice person when you met her.

  “I suppose, but I still say, aloof,” she replied firmly, then before I could answer, she grabbed my arm and shepherded me back up to the boardroom in one, almost seamless, action.

  Fortunately, the afternoon was just Amanda winding up the whole course, so we finished early, after a few half-hearted exchanges of phone numbers accompanying feeble promises to ‘keep in touch’, the group dispersed for the last time. Matt and I walked down together, I took his arm when it was offered, when we reached the revolving doors, he stopped, turned to me, and with mock seriousness,

  “So Ms Sullivan what have you gained from the course ?

  I pretended to think, then hugged him,

  “A really good friend I hope,” I said with total sincerity. He clutched his chest dramatically,

  “Oh no... not that ..anything but that......not the ‘f’ word !”

  I laughed, something I had done a great many times in his company,

  “It could be worse, at least I’ve given you my real number and not the Chinese takeaway !” I joked.

  He smiled broadly, we hugged again, after promising to speak soon, he walked briskly away to catch his train.

  Although I had missed my daughter and was anxious to catch up with her, I was not in such a hurry to go home, as, to say the least, the prospect of going back to work was nothing short of depressing.I spent the journey back, staring blankly out of the window, trying to make some sense of the past 48 hours, such a short period of time, in the grand scheme of things, but it felt a lifetime ago. When I had boarded that train, I had felt lost, broken and with little hope of ever really feeling anything again, but now, here I was, feeling so different, and undeniably more positive. After all, in the space of two days, I had been made to feel genuinely valued, maybe even desirable, so as the train pulled into my station, I made a silent promise to myself , however bad things got, I would try and hold on to how that had made me feel and not allow anyone to take it away again.

  The next morning when I arrived at work, I still felt I was a little taller and maybe walking with a bit more confidence. Almost as soon as I was through the door, I heard Kat call me, I turned just as she was locking her car door.

  “Any time today will do,” I called back, she scowled, and then made a point of meandering over to me,

  “Hello stranger, how nice of you to come back and visit,” she joked.

  “Well, I thought you might miss me,” I shot back, “ So here I am.”

  I was genuinely pleased to see her, I had so much to tell her, although still more I would never be able to share, but for now, it was just nice to be back. As we strolled through to the cloakroom, she filled me in with all the latest gossip, as usual, very little of it was probably based on fact, but as someone once said,

  ‘Why let the truth get in the way of a good story.’

  As I stuffed my bag into my locker, she leant over attempting to gather all her hair up into a ponytail.

  “So you free later ? I thought we might catch up over a glass or six at that new wine bar that’s just opened.”

  “That would good, so before I get back out there, is there anything I should know ? I asked, not expecting much. Kat shook her head,

  “What do you think ?”

  I spent the day just trying to get back into the rhythm of every day life, although I made a determined effort to avoid Phil, I wasn’t ready to give up my new-found positivity just yet, and, whether it was fair or not, he had come to represent everything that wasn’t good for me.

  In the evening, I met Kat at the wine bar, I was late so when I arrived it was already busy, as I searched the lively crowd, I finally saw her, sitting at a small table, apparently deeply in conversation with a young man I didn’t recognise. There was half a bottle of wine still on the table, which would be nowhere near enough if previous nights out were anything to go by, so I squeezed my way to the bar and bought another. When I reached her table, the young man had disappeared,

  “Where’s your friend ?” I asked, plonking the bottle down on the table and then pulling up a chair.

  “What friend ?” she queried, looking a bit bemused, “ Oh you mean, Karl , not so much a friend, more of a brief encounter,” she laughed.

  Over the next hour, we laughed a lot and shared our thoughts on the male members of staff, in the end, rating them out of ten, which, at first, I did suggest was a little unfair, but with very little encouragement, I was soon actively participating in the judgement process. Halfway down the second bottle, Kat suddenly looked quite serious,

  “So what happened to you in London ?” she asked.

  “What do you mean ?” I replied innocently.

  “Well, you left here looking absolutely hacked off with everything, now, two days later, you’re like a cat with two tails...you don’t have to be Miss Marple to deduce something happened, so what was it ? Some hunk swept you off your feet ?” she said hopefully. I laughed, shaking my head,

  “No, but I did meet some really nice people, perhaps I just needed a break,” I suggested, but, as ever, Kat was not easily put off,

  “OK...if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine,” she then sipped her wine, clearly hoping I would feel guilty and tell her everything. As we sat there, I really wished I could tell her about Vanessa, after all, Kat was my closest friend and I hated keeping things from her, but also, selfishly, I knew if I talked about it, in a way, I would be sharing the whole experience, and I didn’t really want to, it was mine and I wanted it to stay mine. So instead, I told her all about Amanda and Alex, as I described the scene in the boardroom, she roared with laughter and any tension between us quickly evaporated.

  But, as has happened so many times before, the lateness of the hour and the effects of slightly too much wine made themselves known, and the conversation started being less jovial and a lot more serious.

  “Can I ask you something ?” I began hesitantly.

  “Of course, as long as it isn’t to order more wine, because that, my friend, would be a seriously bad idea ,” she pretended to slur her words.

  “When you’re with someone, do you ever not feel anything ? Like you’re just doing things because you know that’s what they want,” I was struggling to find the right words. Kat looked puzzled,

  “You mean, have I ever had sex with someone an
d been able to mentally write my shopping list at the same time ? Of course!” she chuckled.

  But I didn’t want to joke,

  “No, I didn’t mean that !” I snapped impatiently, my tone surprised her and I immediately apologised.

  “What’s this really about, my honey ?” she asked quietly. I sat back, wanting to take a moment to be more careful about my choice of words,

  “It’s just...I don’t know lately, when I’ve been with some people, I just haven’t felt anything, like I have a big, empty space inside....” my voice trailed off.

  “Perhaps you’ve just been with the wrong people, hasn’t there been anyone who has got to you ?” she asked genuinely concerned. An image of Vanessa and the hotel room flashed into my mind, despite myself, I smiled, Kat rocked back, triumphantly pointing at my expression,

  “I’m guessing there has been !” she smiled broadly, I felt my cheeks flush slightly. At that moment, the barman interrupted the conversation to tell us they were about to close, we picked up our bags and ambled to the door. The chill of the night air came as a shock after the cosy warmth of the bar, we linked arms and strolled down the high street, it was full of people tumbling out of the other pubs and bars, giggling and chatting. As Kat and I made our way through the throng, it was clear she was lost in thought, so I said nothing, waiting. As we reached the point where we were to go our separate ways, she stopped,

  “Look, I was thinking about what you said earlier,” she began pensively, when I didn’t speak, she continued,

  “From now on, we should both be more picky who we end up with, you know, maybe Cher was right...” She paused and looked at my confused expression,

  “You know,” she continued insistently, “That song she did about it being in his kiss, well, maybe we should pay more attention to the kiss before we have sex, you know...”

  At first, I doubted the wisdom of this suggestion, but the more we talked, it started to make sense,

  “So if we kiss someone and feel nothing, we dump them and run..” Kat began.