Hidden Within Page 7

  “Would you like us to begin service, madam ?” one asked formally.

  “No thank you, we will serve ourselves, thank you, ” Vanessa answered, on hearing this, the two staff started to leave,

  ”.. but thank you both for your personal service,” she drawled, both of the men blushed, nearly crashing the empty trolley into the door before closing the door quietly behind them, leaving us alone.

  “You’re mean, those poor men.”

  But Vanessa was dismissive of my gentle criticism,

  “Oh they loved it, there probably out there now, arguing which one of them I was coming on to,” she laughed.

  Over dinner, we had the kind of polite conversation you have with people you don’t really know, which although is easy to do, is not even remotely fulfilling for either person. It felt almost like we were circling each other warily, using the small talk to try and gain some tiny insight into the other, the longer this went on, I started to become totally convinced we were wasting time, and I suspected she did too.

  Chapter 5

  An hour or so later, we left the meal and settled down on the huge sofa, Vanessa kicked off her shoes and curled her legs under her body, then reached for one of the large wine glasses she had brought from the table. While she sipped, she looked at me steadily, as if trying to work something out,

  “So what brought you London ?” she asked.

  “Nothing very exciting, just a training course for work...” I started, but the thought we were wasting time suddenly reared its head again,

  “It must be hard for you ,meeting new people,” I almost blurted out, a slight smile crossed her lips,

  “Why do you say that ?” she asked, clearly amused.

  “Well, people have read magazines ,so when they finally meet you, they already know you...” I began, struggling to make my point. Vanessa raised her hand,

  “No, they think they know me, it’s not the same thing,” she gently corrected me, “But like before, goes with the territory.”

  I sighed, completely sure I did not want to be the same, but not even remotely sure why that seemed so important.

  “Can I ask you something ?” I asked, although Vanessa nodded, I still felt a bit awkward, but as I had started, I had to finish,

  “It’s just...I can’t help wondering why you had drunk so much that night ? I get it’s none of my business, but....”I paused, shook my head, “I really have no right...I’m sorry....”

  “Don’t apologise, considering what happened, it’s a fair question,” she said, pausing to collect her thoughts,

  “OK, my life is full of people talking to me without anyone saying anything, thousands of words but not one real conversation, you know what I mean ?” she glanced up at me, when I nodded, she continued,

  “In the end, it just gets too much and bam, all that pent up crap just comes bursting out, and, right or wrong, I’ve found the only way to deal with it is to get totally wrecked, go a little crazy, then everything’s OK again..well...until the next time,” for a moment, she seemed to be lost in her own thoughts, so I said nothing. She took another slow mouthful of wine,

  “I guess that’s the price of being in my position and always travelling, you never really get to know anyone,” she said, without a trace of self-pity, this answer inexplicably made me even more determined not to be like everyone else she met. We sipped our wine, I wanted to think of something, anything that would set me apart. My mind searched frantically, while outwardly I tried to remain calm, however this facade instantly dissipated when suddenly an idea came to me,

  “You’re always being interviewed, interview me !” I exclaimed, then immediately wishing I had sounded slightly less forceful.

  Vanessa laughed, her head rocked back, but I persisted,

  “I’m serious, you can ask me anything.”

  She looked at me quizzically,

  “You’re serious ?” she asked.

  “Absolutely, so how many questions would you need ?” I continued, “ ...to get to know me properly.”

  Vanessa sat back for a moment,

  “Six, as long as I can ask anything,” she replied thoughtfully, despite a nagging feeling I probably had not thought this idea through nearly enough, I nodded and gestured her to begin.

  “Gay or straight ?”

  “Neither,” I replied, one look at her made it obvious that answer was not going to be remotely adequate, so I went further, “I decided years ago, real attraction was nothing more than pure instinct, so if I wasn’t choosing who I found attractive, I couldn’t define it by gender, age or anything else....if it’s there, it’s there.”

  She paused, then sat back to consider her next question, in the

  silence I realised I had never actually said those words aloud to another living soul, although they had always been true. She tilted her head slightly and slightly shifted position,

  “OK, you mentioned attraction, so where does that start for you, when you meet someone ?”

  I smiled,

  “That’s easy, there’s nothing like that moment when your eyes meet and you both know there’s a connection somehow.”

  “Do you always act on it ?” she asked quickly, her tone seeming to have changed from playful to serious, it was my turn to sit back and sip some wine,

  “You can’t always, but maybe knowing you can feel that way about someone is enough sometimes” I replied, almost before realising what I was going to say myself.

  “I remember you said at dinner you’re not seeing anyone right now, why’s that ?” her questions were definitely getting more direct, and slightly harder to answer,

  “I don’t know, Prince Charming just hasn’t turned up,” I joked, hoping to deflect her attention, but she was relentless.

  “So I guess that means you’re not having sex right now then ?” she asked simply, then reached for her glass without taking her eyes off me, clearly, she didn’t want to miss even the slightest reaction. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I did the only thing I could, I stalled for time,

  “Depends what you mean,” I replied, sipping from my own glass, she looked down,

  “I’ve embarrassed you, I shouldn’t have asked..that’s my problem, I never know when to stop,” she sounded genuinely apologetic, I suddenly felt stupid and childish, if ever there was a time to be truthful, it was obviously now,

  “Lately, people have had sex with me....I just haven’t always been there,” I said quietly, not able to look at her, because I didn’t want to see anything resembling sympathy, the silence between us probably only lasted seconds, but it seemed hours, finally she spoke,

  “I know what that’s like.”

  I looked up, mildly surprised, something she instantly recognised, she gestured impatiently round the room,

  “You think because of all this, I don’t get fucking lonely sometimes Jesus !”

  For the second time, in as many minutes, I felt stupid,

  “I have to tell you, there are times I would sell my soul just to be with someone who really touches me, in here,” she touched her chest, “ I’d rather have one night of a real connection than a lifetime of just going through the motions.”

  When she finished speaking, she slumped back, then shook her head as if there was some kind of internal debate going on inside her head about the wisdom of being quite so honest with a virtual stranger. On hearing her heartfelt words, I was overcome with the desire to say something profound and meaningful, but every thought just sounded like some platitude drawn from a greetings card. She glanced up at me, on seeing I was obviously struggling, she smiled,

  “We’re a fine pair, aren’t we ?” she asked.

  “That was your last question !” I announced gleefully she gasped,

  “You don’t play fair, I’ll have to remember that,” she laughed, “More wine ?”

  I nodded, not only thankful for the wine but for the change of mood. The polite exchanges of earlier were now abandoned, and we talked openly about things that ma
ttered to us both, when she spoke, her direct approach when asking me a question, was matched equally by the honesty she expressed about herself. The longer our conversation lasted, I increasingly found myself noticing how she used her hands to emphasise a point, the way she looked away when trying to choose her words and, when she looked directly at me, it was like she could see every dark corner of my mind, even those parts I usually fought to hide from most people. Despite this, I knew I would regret being anything less than completely open with her,

  “So you were married,” she began emphasising the word ‘were’, “Are you divorced now ?”

  I shook my head, quickly explaining Steve had died several years earlier, Vanessa sighed,

  “Oh...I’m so sorry...”

  “Don’t be,” I interrupted quickly, “It wasn’t your fault.”

  This was my stock answer, I knew from experience, it generally threw most people slightly and therefore prevented them from pursuing the subject, but Vanessa was not so easily put off,

  “It must have been very tough for you, him dying so young, leaving you with a young kid.”

  I glanced at her, I instantly recognised the expected expression of sympathy, but there seemed to be something more, so despite my inbuilt reluctance to ever talk about Steve with anyone, I began to explain, by the time he had died, we had been apart for some time, so I was already used to being alone with Lainie when it happened.

  “You seem OK about being a single mom...” she said thoughtfully.

  “Being alone was always better than being with him,” I replied, my words spilling out of my mouth before I was seemingly being able to check them, Vanessa was taken clearly taken aback by the stark simplicity of my reply, so I quickly apologised if I had caused her any embarrassment.

  “I should be apologising, I should have just shut the fuck up,” she replied, obviously somewhat angry with herself, “This is obviously hard for you to talk about, so let’s change the subject,” she glanced at me hopefully, almost as if she was afraid I would take offence and leave, so when I reassured her everything was fine, adding there was no need to keep apologising, as I was worried it might become a habit, she smiled and relaxed again.

  Following her lead, I shifted the focus on her and asked whether she had ever been married,

  “Only once, he was...no he is...a great guy, but we were too young and when we finally grew up, well, it was kind of in different directions, you know?” she paused, then when satisfied I understood, she continued, explaining she was relieved they had remained friends,

  “I guess that’s because we both know it would never have worked,” she finished simply.

  As she emptied the last of the bottle into my glass, I glanced up at the clock on the mantelpiece, it was after one,

  “Jesus, I didn’t realise it was getting so late.”

  I put the glass down and started scrabbling under the sofa for my shoes I had kicked off hours earlier, at first, Vanessa did not move, but as I slipped my foot into the reclaimed shoe, she suddenly sat forward and put her hand on my arm, forcing me to look at her,

  “Don’t go...not yet anyway,” her voice was quiet yet forceful.

  I sighed as I explained I had to leave because I had to be at the course again in the morning and joked about not having read the notes yet and there was bound to be a test, but my lukewarm attempt at humour fell on deaf ears. Once more she distractedly pulled some stray hair from the side of her face and tucked it behind her ear, then looked down,

  “Where does everyone go, when they say they have to go ?” the question was so simple, yet sounded so sad, especially because it was so obviously directed ,not at me, but herself. Before I even consciously thought about it, I reached out and gently touched her cheek,

  “I don’t want to leave...it’s just...” my voice trailed away, knowing any reason would sound pathetic, however justifiable. I looked at her and suddenly it was obvious all I really knew, right at that moment, was for some reason, the rest of the world had faded far into the distance. Vanessa leant forward, her lips brushed mine lightly, and I was instantly lost, with both urgency and tenderness our tongues caressed, exploring each others eager mouths, I could barely breathe, I was willingly drowning with no desire to be saved. She pulled away first, her cheeks were slightly flushed and a smile crossed her beautiful, generous lips,

  “Well, I guess that means I’m finally forgiven for last night.”

  “I guess so,” I replied breathlessly, pausing only to pick up her wine glass, Vanessa leant back, sipped the last of its contents and waited patiently for me to speak, at last, there seemed to be only one question I had to ask,

  “Why me ?” my voice suddenly sounded incredibly small,

  “Why not you ?” she asked.

  “...because you could have anyone, after all this is you...” I struggled to find the right words ,“I mean, have you seen you ?”

  Vanessa nodded then smiled gently,

  “Let me see you.”

  I reached for the wine, and swiftly drained the glass, my head was just a mass of disjointed thoughts, which for some inexplicable reason ,I thought a quick intake of alcohol would make less tangled. What was I doing ? How had this happened ? What was I feeling ? What did this mean, if anything ? Thoughts started to career into each other, like speeding cars in a motorway pile up, and much like that, after several minutes, all I was left with , was a mangled mess of half-answers and unanswered questions, without stopping to think, I confessed the unassailable truth,

  “I don’t know what to do, and I always know what to do,”

  Vanessa laughed , shook her head, she sat forward to stroke my face, the coolness of her fingers instantly caused me to relax,

  “Do you want to stay ?” she asked firmly , but still smiling, her large eyes sparkling. I nodded slowly, still not sure what I was doing, but as soon as that mouth was on mine again and our tongues were gently circling each other , being sure of anything ceased to matter. As we kissed, I felt her hand gently push my hair back then, her lips left mine and gently rested on my bare neck, I lifted her loose jumper, which slipped over her head without noticeably stopping the contact between us.

  Once her breasts were revealed, I began caressing them slowly, not wanting to treat them as my own had been so often in the past. They felt firm and soft, the nipples were erect and , almost despite myself, I leant forward, at first flicking my tongue over them, but it just wasn’t enough, I wanted all of them..all of her, I started quickly sucking them, each in turn.

  I felt Vanessa's hands unbutton my blouse, with one deft move, she had removed my bra and was massaging my breasts, her hands were cool and firm as they expertly felt their way around my body, first gliding over my shoulder blades, then sliding down my back resting at the base of my spine, every touch so intense, I didn’t want her to stop, I sat back and without looking away, I gently pushed her back, while reaching for the top of her jeans, once undone, she raised her hips slightly which allowed me to slip them over her toned thighs.

  Neither of us spoke, there was no need, I kissed just below her navel then worked slowly down, parting her thighs with my hands, until I was there. Before I tasted her, I glanced up, her eyes were half-closed, her lips were lightly parted and the sheer beauty of her face, was almost too much. I began by licking her slowly, when I felt the muscles in her thighs relax, I buried my face in her, I had wanted to be subtle and appear all-knowing, but none of that mattered almost as soon as my tongue stroked her and I heard her quietly moan, I felt her hand on my head, winding fingers in my hair. I could raise her slightly, making it possible to have even more of her in my mouth, I just wanted to feel, taste and touch every hidden part of her. Suddenly she pulled my head up by my hair, we were both breathing heavily,

  “Not too soon,” she whispered, “ My turn.”

  We slipped on to the rich carpet, she quickly straddled me, our fingers entwined, she gently kissed them and released her grip to stroke my breasts, with almost total conce
ntration etched on her face, she traced her finger round each nipple. I ached to feel her mouth on them, I went to raise my hand, but she grabbed both hands and pinned them above my head. She then dipped down, and began licking each nipple in turn, not once diverting her eyes from my face. My whole body started to quiver uncontrollably, my heart was racing, but she didn’t stop, I suddenly felt her hand slide down my body and rest lightly between my thighs.

  I willingly parted them, I wanted her there, she started to gently stroke the tendrils of pubic hair, when I felt the heel of her hand against me, I pushed upward, almost as soon as the firmness of her hand touched me, an overwhelming rush rippled through my body. I gasped at the sheer intensity of the feeling, but it was nothing when, finally, her mouth fell upon me. Her tongue seemed to be everywhere, her hands gripping my thighs, now my hands were free, I sat up and pulled her head towards me, I had to kiss that mouth, any hint of self-control was abandoned, as we bit, licked and touched each other, while hands pulled, gripped and locked. As we rolled, caressed and sucked, the threatened tide finally overwhelmed us both, and left us dripping, exhausted but ecstatic.

  We lay breathlessly next to each other, but not touching, then Vanessa rolled on to her side, resting her head on her arm,

  “Are you OK ?” she asked, before I had a chance to answer, she leaned over and kissed my breast, then looked up at me. I stroked her hair and tucked one loose stand carefully behind her ear,

  “I’m not sure OK, really covers it,” I smiled ruefully. She laughed, she shifted until her head lay on my breast, I draped my arm around her slim shoulder, resting my hand on her upper arm . We lay like this for several minutes, neither us wanting to move, then I lazily glanced up and noticed the clock, it was almost 4.00 a.m. I sighed,

  “I hate to say it, but I should probably go soon.”

  Vanessa buried her head and groaned,

  “Oh fuck ! There should be a way of stopping the world for a while.”