Hidden Within Read online

  “Let me suck you,” I whispered, knowing, this would force him to take his grubby hand out of my body.

  “You want to, don’t you ? ?” he gasped. I knew what he wanted me to say, after all, it was what they all wanted me to say,

  “Only yours,” I replied, as I sank to my knees.

  As I sucked and licked, Phil groped for my breasts, and when finding the nipples, he twisted them, I tried to ignore the pain, focussing on just trying to make this end as soon as possible.

  Almost immediately, Phil tensed and came in my mouth, the hot liquid running down my throat causing me to cough. He clamped his hand over my mouth,

  “For fuck’s sake, be quiet !” he ordered anxiously.

  Reluctantly, I swallowed the come, wiped my mouth and stood up to face him. He was already zipping his fly,

  “You really are fucking good at that ....you could earn a bloody fortune,” he laughed, with that, he skipped down the dark stairs and disappeared through the lower door. I felt sick, I tidied myself up, then, just as my hand touched the door handle, I heard Brian talking outside. I quickly shrank down, my heart beating wildly against my chest while my mind raced for a plausible excuse I could use if I was discovered. After what seemed like hours, but was probably no more than a few minutes, the voices became more faint and – at last- there was silence.

  Despite this, I eased the door open, then, when I was certain I was alone, I emerged.

  “What were you doing in there?” a voice called, it was Derek, the warehouse manager, possibly one of the most officious men I had ever met, my heart sank as he purposefully marched towards me ,carrying his omnipresent clipboard,

  “You’re not allowed in there, it’s restricted,” he barked, his usually-nasally voice seemed even more grating than usual.

  “I know, I thought I saw someone in there...” I began rather unconvincingly.

  Derek pushed the door open, switched the light on and peered upward,

  “I can’t see anyone ,” he said pensively, “You sure you saw something ?” It was obvious he was doubtful.

  “I thought I saw something move...that’s all,” I answered, just wanting to escape from his accusing eyes.

  “I’d better check...” he replied, he started up the stairs, paused and looked back down at me,

  “Next time, tell one of the designated staff, we can’t have people just wandering round where they shouldn’t be, that’s why there are there are rules, alright ?”

  “Absolutely and you be careful, up there, “I called, silently sighing with relief.

  I turned and almost collided with Phil,

  “That was a bit close,” he hissed.

  I was incensed by his apparent lack of concern.

  “You were here all the time, so why the hell didn’t you do something ?” I snapped back.

  “I’ve only just got here,” he whined defensively,” I saw you weren’t out, wanted to make sure you hadn’t got locked in there...I came to help,” he explained sheepishly.

  “Well, I’m fine, alright ? “ I answered impatiently, then stormed off, I suddenly hated him, I hated this place... and most of all, I hated myself for being so gutless, so willing to accept any crumb offered.

  However, later that night, as I lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling, those words....’a hole in the wall’, kept rebounding around my mind, I turned over, pulled the covers over my head and tightly shut my eyes, as if this action alone would block out reality, but, of course, it did not. That hollow feeling in my stomach was on the brink of swallowing me up entirely.

  Thoughts swirled round my head, then images, dark, dank pictures seemed to fill every recess of my mind, demanding to be seen. In the end, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I carefully opened the bedside table drawer, took a couple of sedatives and waited for the enforced sleep.

  The following morning, I left for the training course, although still tired, I looked forward to a change of scene, God knows I needed it, so it was with some relief mixed with a degree of excitement , I headed off for the station carrying my overnight bag. It was like playing truant, knowing everyone else I knew would be working , and here I was, settled back on a comfortable seat, waiting for the journey to begin. I half-heartedly took out the training course notes and put them on the small table in front of me, I was either unwilling or unable to give them any more than a cursory glance. So instead, I turned my attention to the view outside and allowed my mind to daydream.

  “Excuse me, is this seat taken ?”

  The sudden voice startled me,

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you jump,” the voice sounded kind and clearly apologetic.

  “No, my fault,” I replied, glancing up, before me was a young man, dressed in an army uniform. Despite his close-cropped hair and impressive physique, he looked incredibly young with the bluest eyes I had ever seen. I quickly moved my bag so he could sit down, I couldn’t help but smile as he struggled to fold his body into the cramped space.

  “These seats aren’t designed for big lads like me !” he smiled.

  After much shifting, he finally managed to attain a comfortable position, his long legs, stretched out as far as they could go next to my seat.

  “Sorry I disturbed you,” he said politely.

  “You didn’t, I was just staring into space,” I answered.

  “You looked as if you were miles away, was it somewhere nice ?” he grinned.

  “Why do you ask ?”

  “You looked happy, that’s all.”

  “Then it must have been...I don’t remember,” I replied distantly, we smiled at each other.

  “I hope my kit isn’t in your way,” he continued, pointing at the large khaki bag resting on the seat.

  “No it’s fine.”

  “I’m on my way back to camp,” he added, “My mum packed some extra stuff ...probably got the kitchen sink in there somewhere !” he laughed.

  “Well, that’s what mums do, we worry.”

  “But I’m 23 !” he moaned good-naturedly.

  “You could be 53 and you’ll always be her boy !” I insisted.

  “S’pose you’re right.”

  “You wouldn’t like it if she didn’t care, would you ?” I asked.

  He shrugged shyly, then shifted down into his seat.

  “If it’s OK with you, I’m going to try and get some sleep, can you keep an eye on my stuff...I’ll leave my ticket on the table in case the guy comes along.”

  “Of course, you get some rest,” I replied gently.

  He smiled again, closed his eyes and within seconds, he was fast asleep, and I went back to staring out of the window. Every so often I glanced back at him , he looked so peaceful, much younger than his years. I found myself wondering whether he would soon be on his way to some God-forsaken corner of the world to fight some terrifying, unseen enemy. I suddenly felt the over-whelming urge to reach out and touch his face , not in a sexual way, just to show him, in some way, there was still tenderness in the world, after all, there was unlikely to be much where he was headed.

  But when I looked again, he was a good-looking guy, I hoped he had a girlfriend, maybe they’d spent last night together, she’d lain on his broad chest and made him promise to be careful...to come back to her. For a split second, I started to wonder what it would be like to be held by those strong arms, how safe you would feel. Before I could speculate any longer, the ticket collector ambled past,

  “Tickets please !” he droned, then paused next to me.

  I gave him both mine and my companion’s tickets and then settled back down.

  The young man stirred, a slight smile crossed his face, then he nestled further down in his seat.

  Just as the train pulled out of a station, I glanced at his ticket and realised his was the next stop on the line. I reached across and lightly touched his hand. He stirred, at first, his eyes seemed reluctant to open, but after a moment, the eyelids rose, he gazed at me for a moment, obviously slightly confused,
r />   “Are you alright ?” I asked.

  He rubbed his eyes then smiled,

  “Yeah, sorry, I must have been more knackered than I thought, where are we ?” he asked. I explained we were just minutes away from his station.

  “Oh Christ, I’d better get my stuff together,” he answered hurriedly. While gathering his belongings, an old man who was edging his way down the cramped aisle, stopped and offered the young soldier his hand,

  You’re doing a great job, lad,” he beamed, his milky grey eyes almost brimming, “I was in the war, know what it’s like, you take care of yourself, alright ?”

  The younger man was clearly used to this kind of attention, looked gratefully down to the elder,

  “Thank you, sir, you too,” he replied kindly. The old man smiled, then continued carefully down the aisle, swaying slightly in opposition to the movement of the train.

  The soldier eased the kitbag on to his shoulder, carefully positioned his beret, using the window as a mirror, once satisfied, he turned back to me and he suddenly looked so much older.

  “Thanks for minding my kit.”

  “No problem, you look after yourself,” I answered, silently wishing I did not sound like his mother, he nodded and strode confidently down the aisle and out of sight.

  I looked through the window as the train pulled out, he was standing on the platform, when he saw me, he waved enthusiastically, I smiled broadly and waved back until I could no longer see him, then settled back into my seat, even though I could never profess to having much of a religious faith, I admit I did ask any divine being that might just be listening to look after him , I rested my head on the seat and returned to gazing out at the ever-changing landscape rushing past the window. I had no idea what was to come, but whatever it was, it had to be better, or at least, different.

  Chapter 2

  A few hours later, I was in my hotel room, as I looked out of the vast windows, it felt like the whole of London was laid before me. It seemed a lifetime ago, I had last been in the capital without being with my daughter. We had come many times during various school holidays , done the tour of the museums, landmarks and so on, I loved being with her, showing her everything, each building we visited was, for me, like spending time with a dear, much -loved friend, and Lainie had always been an eager companion.

  But this time, well, this was going to be different, not particularly better, just different. After all, I would not be in ‘Mum’ mode for the first time in so many years, for a split second, I wondered whether I would enjoy it anywhere near as much, just being with me. But almost as I started strolling down the bustling streets, it was like I had gone back in time, to when I was young, pre-marriage, pre-motherhood, when life had seemed so bright and full of endless possibilities.

  I took my time exploring all the old familiar places, the glittering opulence of Bond Street, the crowded shops of Oxford Street, I even made my way up Regents Street to visit Hamleys. It had been a yearly ritual, to bring Lainie up to London, visit Santa and marvel at the extravagant Christmas lights strung across the road, but now that little girl, who had clutched so tightly to my hand, was a young woman , soon to be off on her own adventures. As I turned away, I hoped there would be moments in the future, where she would still look up and find herself totally captivated by something beautiful, be as completely enthralled as she had been then, all those years ago.

  By the time I had reached the South Bank, it was early evening, the sun was just peeking over the top of Big Ben, God I loved this city, just being here was energising. Everything with Phil seemed a million miles away, I felt lighter than I had in months. I sat down on a bench and looked across the river, just watching the boats drift by, the hordes of office workers marching ant-like across the bridge towards Waterloo Station, a solitary plane high above, leaving a vapour trail I wished I could follow.

  My mind drifted back to when I was younger, before having children even before being married. I smiled to myself, life then had been like a table groaning with every possible delicacy and I had taken probably more than my share .What would that fearless girl make of me now ? Almost as soon as I started on that train of thought, I quickly stopped, resolving this was not the time or place to dwell on the sadness the loneliness -not now, not here .To do so, would be an almost unforgivable waste of time, having decided just to embrace every last positive moment, I stood up from my bench and decided to wander up to Covent Garden.

  It was only when I moved, I realised the sun had almost completely disappeared behind Westminster, now the office workers had been replaced with people ambling along just enjoying the beautiful evening. I spent the next couple of hours window shopping in Covent Garden market, occasionally pausing at a cafe just to sit and watch the world go by, while sipping a steaming hot chocolate. As the evening wore on, I started to shiver, so I reluctantly drained the last delicious mouthful and walked back through the still-busy streets. By the time I reached the bridge spanning the seemingly-endless Thames, it was dark, but not, in any way threatening, at least not to me. I had always felt at home in the city and so felt no anxiety as I crossed the river and headed back to my hotel. Suddenly I heard raised voices coming from a narrow side street, I glanced around but no-one else seemed to be particularly concerned, then I heard a woman yell,

  “Leave me alone, you bastard !”

  Still nobody moved, but I felt compelled to go and check , after all, she sounded distressed.

  Almost as soon as I turned into the street, I saw a young woman, who was clearly quite drunk staggering in front of a huge, 4x4 car, as I watched, she swayed wildly while attempting to take off a shoe, which once removed, she quickly hurled at a tall, black man who was resting against an open car door. He was huge, dressed in a very smart black suit and tie, his eyes shrouded by dark sunglasses.

  “It’s nothing to do with you...you hear me, you bastard !” she shouted angrily.

  The man seemed weary,

  “Can you just get in the car ? We can talk back at the hotel,” he asked, his rich, deep voice in sharp contrast to hers, although it was clear they were both American.

  I watched, not really sure what to do, obviously these two knew each other, had some kind of relationship, but it was equally obvious they were involved in a major row which could potentially turn violent. As I debated whether or not to intervene, a young couple approached and stood next to me,

  “What’s happening ?” the girl asked inquisitively.

  “To be honest, I’m not entirely sure,” I replied hesitantly.

  “Come on Lucy, we’ve got dinner reservations,” her young male companion said vaguely irritated, “It’s nothing to do with us.”

  They moved off, leaving me the sole spectator, I was just about to move away, when the huge man walked round the car to where the drunk woman was staggering and took her arm,

  “Come on, Vanessa, get in the car,” he said quietly, looking anxiously around.

  The woman sharply pulled her arm away from his grip,

  “Take your fucking hands off me !” she screamed, she stepped back, when she almost stumbled over the kerb, he put his hand out to steady her, which made her even more angry.

  “I told you to leave me alone !”

  I saw the man sigh heavily,

  “Look, I know you’re upset, but this ain’t the time and it sure as hell isn’t the place....so just get in the car...please,” he pleaded.

  “You know, do you Frank ? You know fucking nothing, you asshole !” she snapped back with such aggression, I found myself easing back, even though I was still some distance away from the warring couple.

  “OK so I’m an asshole, but could you just get in the car ? The press could turn up any moment,” he continued, gesturing towards the open car door. The woman approached the car, just as I was sure she was going to follow his instruction, she slammed the door shut almost catching his hand in the hinge.

  “ Why should I care about those bloodsuckers ? They feed off me like parasites
all the time !” she snapped bitterly. Clearly running out of patience, the man approached her again, on seeing him move, she kicked off the remaining shoe and brandished it wildly over her head,

  “You take one more step and I’ll fucking kill you !” she threatened viciously, for some reason, he clearly decided to ignore her words as he kept walking towards her. In a flash, she slammed the shoe on to his head , he staggered back on to the bonnet of the car. I gasped and raced forward, not stopping to think about the potential consequences. She was just about to hit him again, when I intervened,

  “He’s hurt, leave him alone !” I yelled, stepping between her and the bleeding man. The woman was clearly taken aback by my sudden appearance and took a wobbly step back, now relatively sure I was not her next target, I turned my attention to the man who was now rubbing his head, but seemed to have regained his composure.

  “Are you alright ?” I asked.

  “I’m OK, ma’am, everything’s fine, you just move along now,” he insisted, he tried to usher me away. I was about to move, when the woman fell against the back of the car,

  “I’m not sure she can stand up..” I said, stating the obvious, the man glanced back at her, then returned his gaze to me,

  “Really, it’s fine, she’s just a bit...well... emotional..now please just move along,” he repeated, while anxiously looking up and down the deserted street.

  The woman was now slumped halfway down the back of the car,

  “Frank ? Get over here...I don’t feel so good,” her voice slurred, but there was a distinct note of desperation which had not been there before, Frank had clearly heard this as well.

  “I’ll be right there, Vanessa,” he called back, obviously now very concerned.

  Once more he turned back to me,

  “I have to go to her, whatever happens, you didn’t see any of this, did you ?” he asked seriously.

  “Of course not,” I said firmly, “You have my word.”