The Last Day Page 20

  “Mum, can you hear me?” I said, feeling a tide of panic starting to rise up through my body, she gazed up at me and tried again to speak, but as before, she was completely unable to even form a word.

  “Cal!” I screamed, “Come here!”

  The door burst open and I could see him framed in the doorway,

  “Call an ambulance!” I shouted, still looking at her, hoping she could somehow see, I was going to help her and she didn’t need to be frightened. I looked back over my shoulder only to see Cal still standing there, as if frozen,

  “For God’s sake Cal, call the damm ambulance!” I yelled angrily, even at a distance, I saw his whole body jolt and then heard him racing down the stairs. I took Mum’s hand, her eyes now filled with total fear and confusion,

  “You’re going to be alright, you hear me? You’re going to be fine.”

  When the ambulance arrived, the two paramedics flew up the stairs, while Cal and I stood in the kitchen, tightly clutching hands but saying nothing. Suddenly Uncle Jim burst through the kitchen door, he’d obviously dressed hastily, as his shirt was unbuttoned and he was wearing no shoes,

  “What the hell is going on?” he said, his eyes flashing from Cal and then to me, “Why’s the ambulance here?”

  “Mum’s sick,” Cal mumbled, “We don’t know what’s happening.”

  His voice shook, his face was pure white and his hand gripped mine so hard, I could barely feel my fingers, but it didn’t matter, at the moment, nothing mattered other than the frantic noises coming from upstairs. It hardly seemed possible, this was happening to her, she’d always been completely indestructible in my eyes, as if nothing could ever possibly bring her down. The three of us stood in silence, just waiting and not really knowing, what we were waiting for or even if anything was going to happen. At last, a paramedic came down to speak to us, she explained Mum had probably suffered a mini stroke, they were going to take her immediately to hospital, where they could monitor her condition. She added, she needed one of us to be in the ambulance, without really having any kind of discussion, I opted to go, believing -rightly or wrongly- I might cope better than Cal.

  “I’ll stay with him,” Jim said quietly, “He shouldn’t be alone.”

  I hugged him and then Cal,

  “She’s going to be okay,” I said firmly, Cal half-nodded and asked me to call, if anything happened. As the ambulance roared down the lane, I couldn’t take my eyes off Mum, as if I believed, if I stopped for even a moment, something terrible would happen. As soon as we reached the hospital, she was taken directly to the emergency room, while I was given a whole bunch of forms to complete. Despite knowing the answers, as I scanned down the list of questions, my mind went blank and I could barely remember my own name, let alone anything else. After what seemed like a lifetime, a doctor appeared and escorted me to a small, cluttered office. In a calm, matter-of-fact tone, he explained, she was now stable, they would do tests in the morning to assess the extent of any damage,

  “We will know more then,” he concluded, “For now, she needs to rest.”

  “Can I see her?” I asked, he nodded,

  “Please remember, she is on medication, so she might not be able to respond, but I’m sure it will help, if she knows you’re here.”

  When we reached the door of her room, I took a deep breath, as I wasn’t sure what to expect, when I felt slightly calmer, I gently opened the door and went into the dimly-lit room. I sat by her bed and took her hand, she looked more at peace now, even though there was clearly medical equipment monitoring her.

  “They said it would help, if you knew I was here,” I began, “It seems strange to hear that because I’m not sure I’ve ever really helped you before.”

  I felt an unexpected tear roll down my cheek,

  “Don’t die, Mum, just please don’t die.”

  I held her hand tighter, the tears were flowing now, but not in a loud or dramatic way, they slipped silently down my face,

  “We’ve wasted so much time, Mum, I’ve been so angry at you for so long, this isn’t how it’s supposed to end.”

  A nurse opened the door and gestured for me to leave, once in the corridor, she suggested I go home and get some rest,

  “There’s nothing you can do tonight, I promise you, if there’s any change, we will call you.”

  I reluctantly agreed but not before saying, I would be back in the morning, I looked back at her door, and in my mind, I sent her the same message again,

  “Don’t die.”

  The next few days passed in a blur of hospital rooms, it was as if the world stopped and all that really existed were the sterile, white walls of various departments. I had gone home that first night, but from then on, I’d just stayed at the hospital, it was just easier than travelling back and forth. Louise and her mother came by, offering me food and a place to stay, but I couldn’t leave Mum, so I thanked them and asked if they could check on Cal.

  “Of course we will,” Kathy said kindly, “and if there’s anything you need, just ask.”

  After they’d left, I went back into Mum’s room and settled into the chair next to her bed, I was exhausted to the point, my very bones seemed tired. I rested back and closed my eyes, my hand still in Mum’s, as if I believed, as long as I was holding on to her, she couldn’t go anywhere. Some hours later, a nurse came in to check on Mum, as she noted down all the various readings, she asked me if I was alright, I was about to answer, when I heard a muffled voice say,

  “She’s fine.”

  The nurse and I looked at each other, as if we half-expected the voice to have come from the other, when it was obvious it hadn’t, we turned to Mum. Her eyes were open, as we watched, she slowly turned her head, ever so slightly towards me,

  “Not dying today,” she said, her words were slurred, but there was no doubting what she’d said. I smiled at her,

  “I should hope not,” I replied, hardly able to contain the whirlpool of emotions which was now whipping around my whole body. The nurse beamed at me,

  “I need to get the doctor, I’ll be right back.”

  I slumped down on to the chair and tried to slow my rapidly beating heart, despite the sheer exhaustion I had felt only hours earlier, I suddenly felt lighter, as if somehow, I knew she was going to be alright now. A young doctor came into the room and asked me to leave, while he and the nurse completed all the relevant procedures. When they came out, he smiled at me,

  “Your mother is through the worst, but she will need some physical therapy, but with rest and support, there’s everything to suggest, she will make a positive recovery.”

  “Believe me, doctor, my mother is a very strong woman,” I answered, “I shouldn’t be surprised if she is telling everyone what to do very soon.”

  As the nurse finished her work, I ran down the corridor to the payphones and called Cal, he had visited her several times and was due in later that afternoon, but I knew I had to share the good news as soon as possible.

  “Will she be coming home?” he asked.

  “I think so, I’m just not sure when,” I replied, “But she’s going to get through this, Cal, you know what she’s like.”

  I heard him chuckle,

  “We both know,” he answered, and even though, I felt my legs were about to give way under me, I couldn’t help but smile.

  It was just over a week, before she was considered well enough to leave the hospital, her left hand was still not working especially well, but her face looked almost as it had before the stroke and her speech was slower than usual, but much clearer than when it had happened. Through pure willpower, she could walk although she did have a slight limp, but nothing too drastic, the truth was, she had been lucky. I had seen some of the other stroke patients at the hospital and sadly, many were far more affected than she had been. Cal visited every night, eager to look for even the slightest glimmer of improvement, so when I told him she would be home soon, he made no effort to hide his relief.

  “I’m glad s
he’s going to be alright,” he said, “it’s been strange without her.”

  “Are you okay?” I asked, “And things back home?”

  He nodded but then I saw a frown cross his face,

  “There is one thing,” he began, “Some man has been ringing a few times, I think he said his name was Joe? Anyway, when I said she was in hospital, he said he would tell someone and he’d be in touch, it didn’t make any sense.”

  My mind flashed back to the night when I’d heard her talking outside my room, she’d mentioned the name Joe, but I had no idea who he was, or what his relationship was with Mum. I looked at Cal, he was already worried, so I just smiled at him and told him not to worry about it and we could sort everything out when she was home. This seemed to put his mind at ease, but it left me feeling – yet again – I knew so little about my own mother. But it was not the time to dwell on my issues, all that mattered for now was getting away from endless checks and examinations and that awful distinctive smell of hospitals. I hoped, when she was surrounded by her own home and the spacious beauty of the surrounding fields, her overall health would improve even more. At first, she seemed almost fearful as she made her way around the house, but with each passing day, her confidence grew and her strength started to come back, with it a degree of frustration too. She became increasingly impatient with herself when she found anything difficult, on one occasion, this resulted in a peanut butter jar being flung across the kitchen, when it stubbornly refused to open. While I watched and tried to help when I could, everything else that had happened seemed to fade into the past, all there was now, was the daily ritual of her day. It hardly seemed possible, only a few short months ago, I had been working at the gallery and living my life in the city – even the thought of being with Nick was nothing more than a memory. That world wasn’t mine any more, it was gone and despite the fact, I still had a forlorn hope I might go back, it felt less likely with each passing day. Cal and Uncle Jim worked tirelessly to keep the place going, but it quickly became clear, without Mum working, bills were coming in and they needed to be paid. I decided I had to talk to Mum, and try to get some kind of idea, as to how everything was managed in a financial way. After all, I obviously had no way of paying anything, when I’d talked to Jim, he was clearly completely embarrassed, as he explained, he’d always received a monthly wage, which, since she’d been ill, hadn’t happened.

  “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know,” I exclaimed, feeling completely awful at making him struggle, he pushed back his hat and shook his head,

  “It’s okay, I know you’ve been through a tough time,” he answered, I promised I would try and sort something out and he hurriedly left the room, obviously still feeling unbelievably awkward. After this meeting, I spoke to Cal about the money he’d received for his paintings,

  “Do you have any of it left?” I asked, hoping he might have saved, at least some, but as soon as I saw his embarrassed expression, I knew the answer before he spoke.

  “What the hell did you spend it on?” I asked impatiently, he shifted his weight from one foot to the other and rammed his hands into his pockets,

  “I bought more art supplies and…er,,,well, I ordered some new clothes too.”

  I threw my hands up in despair,

  “Jesus Cal, do you ever think about anything other than yourself? I mean you do understand what’s happened here, don’t you?”

  He looked up at me, when only a few moments ago he couldn’t even look me in the eye, there was no nothing but pure defiance,

  “Of course I get it!” he snapped back, “But how could I have known she’d get sick? Anyway, it was my money, I earned it.”

  Those last few words seemed to ignite the long dormant ball of rage within me, I wanted to scream at him, I wanted to tell him his stupid pictures hadn’t been good enough and, in fact, the money he’d wasted was mine. I could feel my hands clench into tight fists, it felt as if he said anything now, I’d lose it completely,

  “Just leave me alone Cal,” I said quietly, but for some inexplicable reason, he didn’t move, instead he just glared back at me,

  “It’s always what you want, isn’t it? Ever since we were kids,” he persisted, apparently not seeing how mad I was, “well we aren’t kids any more.”

  I took a deep breath, forcing the anger down, it felt as it I was trying to cap a raging volcano, but with each inhalation, it finally calmed enough for me to speak,

  “You’re right, we aren’t kids, so as one adult to another, I’m going to ask you to do only one thing, Cal, only one, do you think you can do that?”

  Whether it was my clipped measured tone, or just the fact he could see he had perhaps gone too far, he simply nodded, when I saw his gesture, I took another breath,

  “Thank you, so I want you to go outside and look up at the sky, because then, you just might see, this whole world revolves around the sun and not you.”

  I looked straight into his eyes, for the briefest moment, it looked as if he was about to speak, but whatever he saw in my expression, made him turn away without saying a thing. When I was alone, I kept breathing deeply, consciously forcing my hands to relax as I tried to regain some composure. I knew losing total control was not going to help the situation we were now facing, that day would come, but it couldn’t be now, there was too much at stake. When news of Mum’s stroke became public knowledge, people called and I found myself repeating the same lines, over and over again, that yes, it had been a terrible shock, yes, I would pass on their best wishes and of course, we would catch up soon. Empty words from all of them, but undoubtedly, when the call was over, they felt they’d done ‘the right thing.”

  As always, it was only really Kathy and Louise who seemed to really understand the situation we were facing, but when they offered to help us out, I had to decline, after all, I had no way of knowing, if I could pay them back. But there was no ignoring what was happening, I’d waited as long as I could, but things had reached the point where I had no choice but to approach the subject with Mum. I wanted to pick a time when I could talk to her alone, my patience with Cal was still a little fractured, so I didn’t need him participating, also, I didn’t really want Jim to hear the conversation, particularly if things were seriously bad. Late one evening, when I knew Cal had gone out, I decided this was the ideal time for us to talk, I ‘d checked her bedroom and there was no sign of her, so obviously she was still awake and probably downstairs, so I went down to join her. I was just in the hallway, by the front door when I heard a car pull up outside, I heard a man call out,

  “You stay in the car, I’ll go.”

  Within a few seconds, there was a sharp rap on the door, I’m not sure why but, at first, I hesitated, but when there was another, it was obvious, whoever this was, was not going to go away, so I opened the door. A man was standing there, he was wearing a slightly crumpled grey suit, his shirt collar was unbuttoned at the neck and there was a dark tie, loosely dangling down over his chest. He had very little hair, but what there was, was greying at the temples and he had very dark eyes, sunk slightly back into his thin face,

  “Good evening, is Jocelyn here?” he asked, his eyes obviously looking over my shoulder and down the hallway behind me. I tightened my grip on the door handle, I wanted to feel completely ready to slam the door as there was something about this man which made me feel unnerved even slightly anxious.

  “She’s resting, can I help? I could take your number…” I began, he shook his head,

  “No,” he snapped back, “I need to speak to her.”

  I was about to protest, when I saw his eyes light up,

  “Hello Jocelyn,” he said, grinning, “Looks like you’re feeling better.”

  I glanced back, Mum was standing ramrod straight, her face set in a determined yet calm expression, but I noticed her damaged hand was behind her, as if she was making sure, she was showing no sign of weakness.

  “Hello Joe, yes I am,” she replied, “Although I’m not sure you’ve come all this wa
y to enquire about my health.”

  He chuckled and pointed to her while talking to me,

  “She’s quite the character, isn’t she?”

  I remained motionless and said nothing, I was just thankful to be between Mum and this intruder,

  “So what do you want Joe?” she asked, “I get tired quickly, so I’d be grateful if you could say what you came to say.”

  He shifted uneasily,

  “Perhaps we should talk in private,” he said, nodding towards me, “Unless…”

  “No,” Mum interrupted, “not here, I will come and see you, I should be able to get to the city in a couple of days.”

  I noticed a distinct note of both unease and urgency in her tone, considering her recent health scare, there was no way I was going to let her get involved in anything stressful, so I stepped forward,

  “Well, it seems you have an arrangement now, so if you could leave, my mother needs her rest,” my voice sounded steady which pretty much masked how nervous I was feeling, there was no real reason for the anxiety, other than a growing gut reaction which was impossible to ignore. Joe looked at me with little more than disdain, then turned to her, he was about to speak, when we all heard a car door slam behind him which startled everyone. A tall bespectacled man, wearing a dark suit appeared next to Joe, even at first glance, it was clear, the two men were a world apart, as this new arrival was smartly dressed and had the demeanour of someone who gave instructions not abide by them, I heard Mum take a sharp intake of breath, but then obviously forced herself to regain her composure,

  “Hello Jocelyn,” he said, “You’re looking so much better than I’d anticipated.”

  Joe glanced nervously from my mother to his companion, then to me, before referring back to the taller man,

  “She hasn’t been well, Martin, so we’re going to meet in the city in a few days, it’s all arranged.”

  The other man sighed,

  “I suppose we could do that, but you do have a record for disappearing, so I think we will talk now,” he instructed Joe to wait in the car and looked steadily at me, obviously waiting for me to move so he could come into the house. I stood still, but looked back at Mum, hoping for some hint about what was happening, but she said nothing other than,