Hidden Within Page 13

“Come here.”

  Reluctantly, I shifted up and rested on the pillow next to hers, we lay there, just looking at each other, I could still feel slight ripples of pleasure, it was almost as if her tongue was still inside me, I knew even the slightest touch of her soft skin would make me want her again, so I folded my arm and rested my head on it, resolving to try and distract myself ,

  “Frank said you had been travelling a lot...,” I began, not wanting to make her feel as if we had spoken about her behind her back.

  “I’m always going somewhere, it’s like I see a hill, climb it, thinking when I get to the top, that will be enough, but when I get there, I look out, and there’s another hill...and I just have to find out what’s on the other side,” she spoke almost as if talking to herself rather than me.

  “But what are you looking for ?” I persisted, she shrugged,

  “I guess I’ll know it when I see it....like now, for instance, I’m looking at you and I know I want you,” she smiled, entwining her fingers through mine, but the distracted look on her face, showed something else was preying on her mind.

  “Are you alright ?” I asked, quietly.

  “What you said before...about not feeling the same with other people...” she began, almost hesitantly, “Was that true ?” She looked down to avoid making eye contact, I lifted her chin with my finger,

  “Yes, it’s true...there’s just something...I don’t know..different when I’m with you....” I paused, I thought back to my night with Jack, “..other people...well, it’s good, but with you..everything’s just... more,” I answered, wishing I could find the right words.

  “I’m fucking you up, aren’t I ?” she said bluntly.

  “No, we’re fucking each other up,” I answered simply.

  “So me being here is a serious mistake ?” she smiled.

  I nodded.

  “So we should stop ?” she continued, as she leant forward to kiss me, her soft lips resting just for a moment on mine.

  “Probably,” I replied, “Just not yet.

  The next morning, I was awoken by the sound of Vanessa trying to creep out of the room, she looked almost comical, as she tip-toed across the floor, carrying her shoes. I rested back on the pillow until she had almost reached the door,

  “So you were just going to sneak out without even saying goodbye to me ?” I asked.

  She turned to face me, almost embarrassed, until she saw the broad grin on my face,

  “I didn’t want to wake you,” she explained, she slumped down on the edge of the bed and started putting on her shoes, “I have to get out of here before it gets light.”

  I sank back, I wanted to ask her to stay for longer, maybe we could even spend the day together, but I knew it would be impossible and to mention my thoughts aloud would only make things worse. Vanessa stood up and walked to the window, she peered through a small gap in the curtains, it was obvious she was expecting to see something, she glanced nervously at her watch,

  “Frank should be here any moment, I have to go soon,” she said quietly. I clambered out of bed, wrapped myself in a sheet and joined her by the window,

  “I feel awful..” she said sadly.

  “Why ?”

  She turned to face me, her beautiful face was lined with concern,

  “Because I’m not being fair to you...I just turn up, we have sex and then I walk away....and you’re worth so much more than that, Carrie ,” she walked towards the door, I half-ran to catch her, slamming my hand on the door to stop her leaving,

  “We’re not kids, Vanessa, we’re grown women, we know exactly what we’re doing, so I am not going to let you walk out of here feeling this way, alright ?” my firm tone surprised me, almost as much as it did her. She paused,

  “But...”

  “But nothing,” I snapped, “ You’re not leaving, not until you say we’re OK, because, I am telling you right here and now....if I never see you again, I wouldn’t trade one second of the time I’ve had with you...not one single...amazing second, do you hear me ?”

  Vanessa looked down at the floor, she nodded, I lifted her chin, so I could look her straight in the eyes,

  “I’m not sure anyone deserves more than how I felt being with you,” it sounded simple, because it was true. Vanessa leant forward, her tongue slid across my lips before gently easing in, where it slowly caressed my own. Every part of me wanted to reach out, pull her back to bed, but I knew our time was almost over, so after one last touch of her face, I stood back from the door,

  “You’d better go, before...well...”

  Vanessa smiled, opened the door, then, after a quick check to make sure the corridor was empty, she ran quickly towards the fire exit at the end of the passage. As I watched, she wrenched open this second door,

  “Look back, just look back,” I whispered to myself, I just needed one more chance to really see her, then, almost as if she had heard me, she glanced quickly back, smiled and disappeared through the door – she was gone. I went back into the room and lay down on the bed, when I reached for the pillow, there was still a faint aroma of her perfume I even tried to imagine I could still feel her warmth on the tangled sheets, but after several minutes, I slumped back, feeling slightly ridiculous, I refused to allow myself to start feeling sorry for myself, so I showered and dressed as quickly as possible, then left the hotel for a days shopping, even though I would be spending money I really couldn’t afford.

  As I strolled through the park, it suddenly struck me I wasn’t desperately unhappy, there was no question about how I felt about Vanessa and the time we had shared, also I would have cheerfully sold my soul to be able to be with her again. But somehow, in the back of my mind, I always knew it would never be possible, so I had just made every touch, every kiss, every emotion, really count, I had allowed myself to just let go and be lost in her, without any forlorn expectations for the future. I paused, looked across the lake, the sun was starting to break through the hazy clouds, scattering light across the rippling water, a gentle breeze became caught in the trees rustling the delicate leaves above my head. In that single moment, while I absorbed every sight and sound, I finally realised, this is what I should have been doing all along.

  I had always been unforgivably dismissive when anyone had talked about ‘being in the moment’ , but actually, standing there, on that bright, Summer day, it seemed to make sense. I looked around, there were harassed people, phones pressed to their ear as they marched purposefully along, scattering any unfortunate duck that happened to waddle in their path. On the other side of the lake, I could see people perched on benches, peering intently down at mobile devices, as if they were terrified if they happened to glance up, even for just a second, something awful would undoubtedly happen.

  Later on, after buying a few gifts for Lainie and Kat, I returned to my hotel and began to pack my case, it was time to go home. I looked round the newly-cleaned room for one last time to check I had not forgotten anything, the bed had been made and all physical traces of my night with Vanessa had gone. But as I walked to the station, I knew, with total certainty, she would never really leave, because, whether she knew it or not, she’d changed everything for me.

  Chapter 12

  Later that night, when I walked through the front door, the house was in darkness, a pile of unopened letters lay on the floor, but I quickly decided they could wait until the morning. On the train, I had text my daughter to explain I was on my way back, but there was no need for her to change her plans and we would catch up properly when she came home. After a quick tour of the house to make sure nothing untoward had happened in my absence, I went to my room, unpacked and climbed into bed. In the darkness, I thought about everything that had happened, going back to the old house, seeing Vanessa and Frank...so much, in such a short space of time.

  The sense of peace I had found in the park in London was still there, but I knew from experience, a bit like a holiday tan, it could so easily fade. Now, I had finally managed to move on from the past,
it was time to look ahead, I started making plans about changing my job or perhaps, even moving house, but the effects of a long day soon started to make themselves known and I drifted off to sleep, with nothing more than a few vague ideas.

  I spent the last two days of my break re-decorating the house, I had wanted to do something tangible that would show, I was on a new path. When my daughter arrived home, she was somewhat bemused to find her room completely re-organised and the sofa standing, like an island in the middle of the living-room, while I waited for the paint to dry. She said nothing, but the doubtful expression did illustrate, more than adequately, her belief I had probably lost my mind. I swapped pictures round from room to room, took endless bags and boxes of belongings to various charity shops and scrubbed every available kitchen surface. As I was shifting the wardrobe round my room for the third time, there was a knock at the door, I had to scramble over the bed and edge past the chest of drawers just to get out of my room. All this took a while, I heard another knock, this one slightly more impatient,

  “Coming,” I called, as I tried to rush, I cracked my knee on a stray coffee table I had left in the hallway. I opened the door, clutching my leg, to see Kat standing there, she looked me up and down for a moment,

  “Well, I can see now Lainie wasn’t exaggerating.”

  As we negotiated our way into the living-room, I told all about my revelation in the park, that I was now finally moving on and starting a new life. As I gabbled on, Kat sat impassively in an armchair, when, after almost ten minutes, I realised she hadn’t spoken, I paused and asked for her opinion.

  “Well, the good news is you haven’t completely lost your mind, but to be honest, I’m not sure where you’re going with all this new life...after all, you have to work, you have to be a parent...a lick of paint isn’t going to change very much,” she answered, obviously confused.

  “I know, but it’s a start, and you’re right, I’ll always be a parent, but, as for the job, well....”

  “You’re going to quit, aren’t you ?” she interrupted, almost indignantly. I shook my head, and explained I was only looking into other options, after all, I still had bills to pay and a daughter who needed support, but I wanted something else now, something more. Kat listened intently, then, after extracting a promise from me that I wouldn’t do anything rash, she left, pausing only at the front door to hug me while insisting I took care of myself.

  I spent the rest of the day, clearing up the debris and trying to achieve some semblance of order out of the chaos I alone had created. Totally shattered, I fell on to the re-located sofa, only to almost instantly realise, I actually liked it better where it had been in the first place. Wearily, I heaved it into place and then fell into it, this time with no intention of moving again. As I sat there, I thought about what Kat had said, but, I still couldn’t agree, maybe it would be more sensible to stay put with the job I had, but Vanessa's words just kept repeating in my mind, about always finding out what was over the next hill. I had been on the same hill seemingly forever, it was time for a change. I stood up, had a quick look round at my handiwork before plodding slowly to my room, only to crash into the chest of drawers which I had forgotten to move back, as I hobbled to the bed, I hoped the rest of my journey to a new life would be a little less painful.

  When I walked into work the next morning, it was with the ambition not to allow myself to sink back into the old routine. I had decided instead of doing just enough not to get into trouble, as I had been doing for months, I would actually make a real effort. But after numerous issues and problems, by lunch-time, the familiar sinking feeling started to re-appear, bringing with it a distinct taste of apathy.I had arranged to meet Kat for lunch, but when I walked into the canteen, I saw Matt sitting alone at a far table, he waved when he saw me, so I went to join him.

  “Hello stranger, how was your break ? London, wasn’t it ?” he asked cheerily.

  “It was good, thanks, how are things with you ?”

  Matt’s cheerful expression quickly faded,

  “This is my last week here, then I’m gone,” he answered sadly, he then explained, he would be sent on somewhere else to continue his training, with the ‘somewhere else’ potentially anywhere in the country.

  “You don’t want to go ?” I asked, “You’ve worked so hard for this.”

  “I know,” he replied, “But I like it here, Brian's a good boss and now, there’s Kat...I don’t want to leave her, things are so good between us.”

  Before I stopped to think, I asked him whether he could see a long term future with her, but quickly apologised, after all, their relationship was really none of my business. Matt smiled shyly, then indicated for me to lean in,

  “I’m going to ask her if she wants us to get a place together,” he whispered, his blue eyes searched my face anxiously for any hint of a negative reaction, but as I beamed back at him, he visibly relaxed again. Suddenly Kat appeared at the side of the table,

  “What are you two whispering about ?” she asked jokingly, Matt glanced across at me,

  “We’re running away together,” I replied nonchalantly, trying desperately to maintain a straight face. Her eyes narrowed,

  “Look here, you, he’s mine,” she said firmly. I laughed and held my hands up in surrender, Matt interrupted, said he had to get back, he kissed her, then left the canteen, to a chorus of cheers from some of the other men,

  “Get in there, my son !” yelled one.

  Kat sat opposite me, I started to eat my sandwich, but I could feel her glaring at me, so I reluctantly put it down and looked back at her,

  “So what were you talking about ?” she asked, I tried to explain that I didn’t want to get involved or spoil any of Matt’s plans, but she would not leave it, in the end, I gave up and told her of his plan for them to live together.

  “....but you cannot tell him I told you,” I said firmly, when I had finished. Kat sat back in her chair, when she didn’t speak for almost five minutes, I started to worry,

  “Are you OK ?” I asked.

  Kat looked back at me,

  “Fuck me....he really does love me, doesn’t he ?” she replied quietly, shaking her head slightly in disbelief. I nodded,

  “Yes, he does,” I answered.

  “But there’s so much he doesn’t know about me....I mean if he knew even half the stuff...”

  “That’s the past, ancient history” I interrupted, “None of that matters now, he wants a future with you,” I took hold of her hand that was resting on the table, to somehow show some reassurance. The worried expression on her face started to slowly turn into a smile,

  “He does, doesn’t he ?”

  I smiled back and nodded,

  “ I think you've found him,Kat , that perfect man you’ve been banging on about all these years...so just be happy, OK ?”

  After squeezing her hand once more, I stood up from the table, I was about to leave when she grabbed my hand,

  “I’m not sure I’ve ever said it, but thanks honey.”

  I kissed her cheek, told her she was welcome and headed for the canteen door, only to crash into Phil who was coming in from the other side, he grabbed my arms, then looked over to his friends,

  “Sorry lads, might be a while, Carrie's chucking herself at me !” he yelled, they all jeered in response. I felt his grip on my arms tighten, his face was only inches away from mine, I could feel his hot, stale breath on my cheek,

  “So do you want some ?” he hissed, I was about to answer when one of the others called over,

  “Go on, Phil !”

  He moved closer,

  “Take your filthy hands off me, before I do something you may well be sorry for,” I whispered , he paused, then dropped my arms, his dark eyes flashed with anger, then he remembered his audience,

  “No thanks love, I’d rather have some chips !” he joked, the others roared their approval, as he swaggered over to their table and sat down, banging his feet up on the table,

  “So
bring them over when you’re ready !” he commanded, looking straight at me, I wanted to throw some insult back at him, but instead I turned and walked out of the canteen, leaving him to his mates. As I walked up the corridor, I heard someone behind me, expecting it to be him, I spun round so quickly ,I almost knocked Kat over,

  “What was all that about ?” she asked.

  “He’s a jerk, you know that,” I answered quickly, hoping to diffuse her interest.

  “Are you alright though ? He didn’t hurt you,” she continued.

  “What him ?” I laughed, after assuring her I was fine, I quickly retreated to the cloakroom. After I had checked it was empty, I rolled up the sleeves of my uniform, and there were the unmistakable marks of where his hands had been. I quickly pulled the sleeves down, then rested against the lockers,

  “They’re only bruises, and you know better than anyone, they only last as long as you want them too,” I reminded myself and went back to work.

  Chapter 13

  Only a matter of weeks later, I was walking up the path to Kat's front door, I had heard the music blaring from the stereo at least half way up the road, the party was obviously already in full swing. As I went to knock at the front door, it swung welcomingly open, the narrow hallway was packed with people, far more than I would ever have believed possible. As I edged my way through the crowd, Matt appeared, I could see he was calling my name, but I couldn’t hear over the deafening music so I just waved back and made my way to the kitchen. Every surface seemed to be covered with bottles, half-empty bowls of crisps and huge platters loaded with food, suddenly an arm draped over my shoulder, one glance at the long, manicured nails told me it was Kat ,

  “About time you got here,” she said.

  “Well, I wasn’t going to bother, but there was nothing good on TV, so I thought this was better than nothing,” I joked.

  “Very good of you,” she retorted, “Wouldn’t be the same without you.....see you in a bit.”

  As I watched her effortlessly make her way through the crowd, stopping to exchange a greeting or a joke before moving on, it was obvious, she was totally happy, her eyes shone and, perhaps, since the first time we had met, she was genuinely relaxed.